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How lies affect the spouses of TGs
See also my section on Family Resources.
I came across your site today and felt compelled to add a few of my own thoughts. First you have done a great job in trying to help people who need this type of information. For that I applaud your efforts.
It has been about 4 years since my ex-husband "came out" to me. I have been living on my own since Dec. 1999. I feel that everyone has to be responsible for their own actions in life. I was married to a very domineering and selfish man for 28 years. As his wife I supported the family while he attended 6 years of private college, and then for the next 6 years while he was "finding himself." During this period we raised 2 children who also went to private schools. I supported the family through being a cashier, picking fruit in the orchards on weekends, and later by cleaning houses for 6 years. Every time I tried to save a little money my husband would spend it to the penny. Looking back I now realize that it was a selfish control issue.
After our children left home, he had an affair. It was bad enough that this happened after we had been married for 21 years, but to add hurt to injury he told me if I was a good wife, I would call up the other woman to find out what she did that made him feel so good. It took at least a year before that ended. I forgave him believing that marriage was a sacred vow to be kept. (One of the many subjects that he took up in college was Theology to be a minister.) We both decided on Jan 1, 1995 to put the past behind us and not keep anything from each other. Again I very foolishly trusted my husband.In Nov. 1998 he informed me that he had prostate cancer and would have to have his testicle removed to keep it from spreading. I wanted him to get other doctor's opinions but he insisted that he had the best doctor. He had the surgery. We lived in different locations because of a business that he was starting. In later years I would find out that everyone out in CA knew that he was a transsexual and this was part of the sex change procedures. He finally came clean with his sex change March 10, 1999, as we were driving down the freeway 75 mph on our way to meet a group of 16 friends for dinner and drinks. He had also depleted all of our savings by this time and rang $5,000 onto my personal credit cards. AT this time we had been married for 27 years. I was finally getting my chance to attend a local community college and this was the spring break of my freshman year.
Personally I feel very wronged by a gender center, counselors, and doctors who treated a married man without making sure that his wife knew what was happening. I was left in debt, emotionally destroyed, and trying to get an education at 45. He was pulling in a 6 digit income at the time. He humiliated me in public by showing up for our divorce dressed as a woman with frilly clothing, jewelry, and makeup.
Two years after our divorce I finally broke all connections with he/she as I could no longer take the weekly verbal assaults and threats over the phone.
I just wanted you to know that there is a second side to the TS situation. I think it is cruel for a father and husband to be so selfish. If they knew something wasn't right, they should at least give their spouse the decency of a divorce before the "coming out party" begins. My ex did not want to give me a divorce and said that I had made a vow before God and I "had to stay married to him after he became a woman." My only reply to him was," And which one of the marriage vows did you not break in the last 28 years. I had been a faithful hardworking wife all those years!
Today I am living a free life. I continued to go to college graduating with 2 majors and honors. It was difficult but by the grace of God, I made it.
You do not need to reply to my email as I know you have a lot of your own kind to answer questions for, but I would appreciate if you added under the coming out to family members, something about responsibility to their spouse. It still makes me cry when I think of the pain that he caused to myself and our two children.
Thank you for reading my thoughts.
See also the 2005 response from a reader.
See also the 2006 response from another reader.
See also my section on Family Resources.
Would you like to make an anonymous contribution?
If you have any advice you'd like to share, please contact me , and I'll give it a permanent (and anonymous) home.