Satire: The Dysphoric Indicator And Native Assessment of Transsexuality Inventory (DIANATI)

[editor's note: Diane wrote the following in 2001 as a wickedly funny send-up of the COGIATI and other gender tests that supposedly allow the takers to quantify their degree of gender dysphoria.

Because a reader from outside the USA wrote with a serious question believing this was a serious theory, let me be more clear: this essay is a joke. Satire. Humor. Comedy. It is a subtle parody of tests about transsexuals, like Bailey's test in the Bailey-Blanchard-Lawrence theory.

Although these tests are highly unscientific, some take their scores very seriously and make life decisions based on a number that's about as valid as a "Rate Your Mate" quiz in a women's magazine. As with all gender tests (online or otherwise), the test below should be taken for entertainment only. -AJ]

Hi There!

Wondering about whether or not you could be transsexual? Afraid to face the awful truth either way? Taken the COGIATI and not satisfied with the results you received?

Good News!

Now there is a new test that was written by a computer programmer and anime enthusiast just like the original COGIATI was!

The Dysphoric Indicator And Native Assessment of Transsexuality Inventory , commonly referred to as the DIANATI, is designed to provide you with a quick and easy assessment of your womanly potential.

WARNING! Do NOT take this test if you are FtM!

FtMs taking this test may experience unpleasant symptoms ranging from mild disorientation to bizarre flashbacks. If you are FtM do NOT read any further.


PURPOSE

This test is designed to assess whether or not you are a transsexual, transvestite, a woman or RuPaul. This test should take no more then ten minutes' time.

  • Answer each question quickly and honestly with the with the first thought that comes into your mind.
  • Do not think about it - thinking is bad.
  • Use a number two pencil
  • Begin.


Question 1:
You are 10 years old and you have just been caught by your mother burrowing around in your sister's closet. Your mother looks straight at you and asks you what you are doing. You tell your mother:

A. That the little creep stole your baseball glove which is as good an excuse as any because she'll never find that issue of Penthouse that you stashed away in the corner.

B. About your pet salamander which you "lost" in there last evening.

C. That you're measuring closet space and it's not fair that *she* gets to have 6 feet more room then you!

D. That those shoes don't really work with that eye shadow she has on.

E. Not to worry, that you're just looking to see if Sis has borrowed your WonderBra once again.


Question 2:
Where do you purchase your favorite undies?

A. Anywhere a three pack of briefs costs less than five bucks.

B. I don't wear underwear.

C. Frederick's of Hollywood

D. Victoria's Secret

E. K-Mart


Question 3:
Congratulations! You just got married, the ceremony is over and you are going to spend your first night together on your honeymoon. Your wife, hot in your passionate embrace, lets her wedding gown slide to the floor and coyly asks to be excused to the bathroom for a moment. You're flustered but you agree and while she's in there you:

A. Turn on ESPN and catch the latest score.

B. Check out the lingerie section of your wife's luggage. Oh man...oh man! This is going to be a great night!

C. Wonder what it would be like if *she* was on top.

D. Pick up the wedding dress form the floor and quickly try it on - just for size.

E. Debate with yourself whether telling her that waterproof mascara wouldn't have run like that during the ceremony would ruin the moment.


Question 4:
You're an internationally acclaimed photographer and your boss has just told you that you've been assigned to shoot this year's Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition! You look him square in the eye and:

A. Drool....just drool.

B. Take off your wedding ring, give it to him and say "Here, hold this for me until I get back OK?"

C. Think, "Ohhhh...great. I'll probably miss the season finale of Voyager now!"

D. Say, "Mary, that's so overdone! Why not have me cover that Warhol retrospective instead?"

E. Refuse to be a party to anything that has consistently denigrated women like this!


Question 5:
Who is the first person that comes to mind when asked to name a shining example for women everywhere to follow:

A. Traci Lords

B. Brittany Spears

C. Dame Edna

D. Patsy and Edina

E. Indira Ghandi


Question 6:
It's Saturday night and you're at a singles bar (again). Across the bar you spot the most gorgeous woman that you've seen in ages. Hair, legs, clothes makeup - she's got it all! The next thing you do is:

A. Turn on that old college charm, walk right up to her and say, "Baby, I want you to know that this is not a line but when I saw you I knew that you must be a Virgo, right? Because I'm a Taurus and you know what they say about Virgos and Taurus men right? Am I right? <wink> <wink>..."

B. Tell the bartender to order her another drink...."anything she wants as long as it's beer"

C. Undress her in your mind... and then dress her up again in a lovely three piece Donna Karan tweed outfit that you saw over in Macy's last week.

D. Turn green with envy and order another drink for yourself - make it a double.

E. Walk up to her and let her know that there's a little piece of toilet paper trailing from the bottom of her shoe.


Question 7:
Which of the following do you most closely identify with:

A. John Wayne

B. The guy who runs the comic book store on "The Simpsons"

C. George W. Bush

D. Boy George

E. Janet Reno


Question 8:
Just the thought of being married to Loraine Bobbit makes you:

A. Shrink

B. Shiver

C. Cum

D. Think about your old boyfriend

E. Envious


Question 9:
You've been comped front row seats to hottest review on the Las Vegas strip. The show starts and a gorgeous Red-head not more then six feet in front of you of up on stage starts doing high kicks. The first think that you notice is:

A. That she's not wearing any panties.

B. That the Blonde behind her has *much* bigger tits.

C. That a little bit of liposuction on those thighs wouldn't hurt anyone.

D. That her shoes are Italian designer.

E. That her hands seem a bit too large now don't they?


Question 10:
You've been promoted to Vice-President of production! And you've been given your own office to boot! Now It's time to decorate. You need something for your wall so you go out to your local poster shop and bring back:

A. An officially sanctioned and autographed Raiders photo.

B. That Cindy Crawford poster they wouldn't let you put up before. Screw them - you're the boss now!

C. An arial view of San Francisco with the Castro district prominently centered.

D. A picture of Marilyn Monroe getting her skirt in that updraft overlaid in purple neon.

E. A reproduction of that Life photograph of Renee Richards winning her final match.


Congratulations!

You are finished and are well on your way to determining your true destiny. Here' How To Score The DIANATI:

Give yourself :

1 point for every A that you choose
2 points for every B that you choose
3 points for every C that you choose
4 points for every D that you choose
5 points for every E that you choose

RESULTS:

10 - 23

You're a Lumberjack but you're OK. You're likely not transgender at all. No need to worry. Stay out of Sis' closets though, OK?

24 - 35

Is she or isn't she? You could swing both ways Baby. Don't invest in any new business suits just yet.

36 - 45

You Go Girl! RuPaul and Dame Edna watch out, 'cause there's a new girl a commin'! It's not possible to say at this point whether you are a transsexual or a transvestite but either way you look just Fabulous!

45 and above

Remove the Vegematic and any sharp utensils from the kitchen. You are definitely a transsexual. You do not need two letters from a therapist - take the results of this test to any certified SRS surgeon and you be put in the priority queue. Stock up on Maxi-pads.


Would you like to make an anonymous contribution?

If you have any advice you'd like to share, please contact me, and I'll give it a permanent (and anonymous) home.