|
|
The Cycle of Change
[ed. note: I received the following from Karen* in November
2001. It's an interesting overview of how people might respond to your coming
out, modeled in part on the "stages of grief" and Kevin Craine's
Cycle
of Change, but with advice for identifying and handling the way people
might respond.
You move clockwise around the circle, starting at the comfort zone. The
first attempt at making changes is usually met with resistance, which in time
gives way to success. This puts you back in the comfort zone and ready to
face another change in life. --AJ]
Coming out to people can be viewed from many different angles. One thing is
certain, you are announcing a dramatic and fundamental change about how to view
you. Your message has a fundamental impact on your and their lives. This text
is an attempt to give some insight in typical reactions to changes and help
you with this aspect of coming out.
Resistance to change
Most people resist change. Any change. Especially big changes and changes which
they cannot understand or see the consequences of. Very few enjoy changes because
of the change itself. Resistance to change in people's lives is as natural as
is change to life itself (in order to improve). Most people experience a big
change as being dragged away from a warm, familiar, comfortable and controllable
environment and being thrown into a cold, unfamiliar, hostile one. The process
people go through when changes happen is very similar to grieving for a loved
one which has died. The changes you are about to undergo (or have undergone)
and which you are about to announce (or have announced) are no exception to
this rule. To some extent, your environment has to deal with the loss of someone
and at the same time accept a new person in place.
As it is so much part of human nature, not much can be done to prevent these
reactions from happening. However, knowing and understanding how this process
affects others and also yourself makes you better prepared for what is coming.
You can better help others and understand them, which is more than half the
work in avoiding damaging conflicts.
The Comfort Zone
When no change is happening, people reside in the comfort zone. Depending
on their situation, they might feel that they are in control of their lives,
their environment and work. They are happy with the way things are and evolve.
They feel confident in their skills and feel capable of handling situations.
Of course, many others do not have the feeling of being so much in control
of their lives and are not so happy with the way things are, but they know
what to expect. They more less live with how things are and possibly are bored
with it. Common to both situations is some form of routine in personal life
and at work which is comforting.
The NO
Zone
The NO zone is the zone people enter first when you bring your message. In
very lucky situations, people can go through it so quickly that you hardly
notice. In most cases, this zone is the zone of intense emotional reactions.
Listening and showing comprehension for these emotions and supporting people
is very important.
Shock
Traumatic experiences can induce a reaction of physical or psychological
shock. This is a first defense reaction of the body and mind. The body no
longer feels pain and stops bleeding while the mind starts ignoring parts
of reality. Especially in life threatening situations, this increases the
chance for survival. People in shock behave like in a trance, move and speak
slowly and can have a staring expression. This reaction of shock can take
a long time to subside. People in a physical shock are best helped by protecting
them with a warm blanket. The best approach to a psychological shock is
also to cover them with a "warm" emotional blanket. As part of
their perception is blocked from their consciousness, it makes no sense
to try to reason with them. Listen and try to understand what and where
they feel pain. Do not try to negate or diminish it, but on the contrary,
acknowledge it. Acknowledge that you understand. This will bring people
back to reality and give way to further stages in the process.
Denial
When returning to reality, the next line of defense of the mind is to try
to deny the situation it registers. It is trying to protect itself and keep
away the pain by telling itself there are mistakes in the perception :
- "I'm probably not really awake."
- "I've not heard well."
- "This is not happening to me."
- "I'm having a bad dream."
- "This will go away soon," etc.
At this stage, people will try to convince you that what you are telling
them is not true. This triggers the typical reactions like
- "You have been mislead or brainwashed by others."
- "You are under some form of stress and it will go away."
- "You will need to see a doctor who will cure of this." etc.
This behavior can be very strong, very insistent and can take the form
of a ritual. Most often, people in this stage will look for support from
others to convince themselves and you of their view. Although tiresome and
difficult, this phase of denial is necessary because it gives people time
to collect themselves and their thoughts.
Paralysis
Having accepted the changes as being real, the stress of not understanding
or not knowing what to expect, very commonly causes a paralysis. People
tend to continue what they are doing and do not seem to respond anymore
to the situation at hand although they are quite aware of it. The danger
of this stage is that you might conclude that someone has accepted the situation.
Nothing is less true. The reality has been accepted, but it has in no way
been digested yet. In fact, this process has yet to start!
Anger
Although it seems contradictory, anger is often the first step in learning
to deal with a newly accepted reality. It is an instinctive reaction to
deal with fear or pain. An angry reaction is meant to scare an aggressor
and make the threat go away. Anger is a powerful emotion which can also
suppress the pain by pushing it in the background. As long as there is anger,
there is no pain. To deal with anger, you have to understand where the anger
comes from, what produces it. Therefore, you have to step in the others
person's shoes. Anger is difficult to deal with, as it will look for any
object to focus on. Angry people can behave like a trapped animal and claw
at anything in range, especially known vulnerable spots. Again, showing
understanding is usually the most constructive approach.
Anger may manifest itself in many different forms, such as resentment,
frustration or sabotage. These more secretive ways are probably the most
difficult to deal with. At this stage, resistance to the changes you have
announced has gone to its climax. For me, this is the most difficult emotion
to deal with.
Hurt
When the initial responses to the changes have subsided, pain is what is
felt next. The stages described until now are rarely completely distinct
from each other., especially pain, which can turn rapidly into anger and
back.
Reactions to pain are very individual. Some talk, some sleep, some drink,
some retreat into silence, some relapse into depression. Many people feel
they are sinking downwards and fear they won't pull out of the dive. However,
they often find ways of coming to terms with the pain and enter the next
stage.
Very often, people try to spare others by not talking about the pain the
other experiences. Very often, however, this builds up a stress in the relationship
about the "unspoken." Talking about each other's pain can help
to relieve it. It requires some courage and is certainly not easy. Sharing
pain can help to diminish it.
The GAP
People in the gap are on their way to healing. They are learning to deal
with the news you have brought them. They know that there is probably no way
back. Instead they are wondering what the impact is for them, how they fit
in the picture. Of course, it's very important that this happens. It is important
that you can give a clear picture of the future and have some answers to the
questions they have. When in this gap, people are not necessarily resisting
the idea you brought them any longer, but they are somehow waiting. On the
other hand, they haven't accepted it either. Being very clear and confident
at this stage is key to bringing people to acceptance. This is the stage where
you have to talk a lot and start paying much more attentions to facts, while
dealing more with emotions previously.
Bargaining
Bargaining is a typical behavior for people in the gap. In order to bargain,
people must have accepted reality and know that it cannot be undone completely
anymore. Some reactions could be :
- "Must you really have an operation?"
- "Why not do you not just dress yourself as a woman from time to
time?"
- "Can't just some hormones help ?"
- "Can you not deal with your feelings in an another way?"
- "Are there no alternatives ?"
- "Do you really have to have this treatment now?"
- "Can you not wait until such and such time?"
Bargaining is a way to postpone the inevitable. People will bargain for
ways to get back to the comfort zone. Responding clearly and decisively
to bargains is part of giving answers people are looking for.
Depression
Depression is also a typical symptom of being in the gap. It is delicate
to deal with. Depending on the source of the depression, you should react
very differently to it. Both types of depression can be present in the same
person.
People can be depressed because of the worries they have, such as their
place in the picture, the impact on their day to day life, etc. In that
case, pointing to some positive aspect of the changes and trying to relate
to it can be an adequate reaction. The purpose of your actions should be
to cheer them up.
On the other hand, people can be grieving about what they will lose (or
have lost). In this case, this an emotional step towards acceptance. Grieving
for what has bee lost will help to accept the new much more easily. Your
reaction should not be to try to cheer them up. This would deny the person
the right to go through this emotional step. Acknowledgement of the grieving
is far more appropriate in this case.
Anxiety
A third form of gap behavior is anxiety. Not knowing what the new situation
will bring or how it will evolve, one becomes unsure. Part of them is accepting
the new idea about you, while part is still clinging to the old one. Again,
clarity, self-confidence, honest and open communication are the best approaches
to deal with anxiety. You must have the courage to describe reality as closely
as possible as you know what reality will be. Involvement in your evolution
gives people insight and removes the dark corners where their fear resides.
The GO
Zone
Acceptance
When someone has left behind the past and has accepted the idea about the
new you, this person has entered the GO zone. From this moment on, everything
goes more easily. Bringing people together and organizing a symbolic event,
a ritual, to break with the past and celebrate the future can be very helpful
(e.g. a rebirth party or something similar). This is up to your creativity.
Excitement, Clarity, New strength
Having reached this point of the cycle, people start to get new ideas,
see new perspectives. Emerging from a negative period, the mind sometimes
looks for deeper meanings. The healing is taking place, the body seems stronger,
the mind is more determined. There can be a sense of relief. With this renewed
strength and with these new perspectives, people start setting new goals
for themselves and start to see new opportunities. A creative tension arises.
People might start coming to you with ideas on how to do certain things
and how to deal with certain situations. People start positively thinking
with you.
Credits
There are many presentations possible of the same concept. The presentation
given here is based on work by Kevin Craine about managing change within an
organization. Various other ideas (including my own) have been added and made
more specific to the subject at hand.
Editor's note: This model is indeed very flexible and works for all
sorts of situations.
On January 17, 2002, Kevin Craine sent me a brief note: "Wow, what
an unexpected thing. While your area of focus is significantly different than
mine, I am pleased that this material has been of some benefit to you and
your constituents. It verifies that the principles can be applied in a wide
range of areas."
For more information on this and other useful concepts, I recommend
visiting Kevin's site Designing
a Document Strategy, including the original format for the Cycle
of Change model. -AJ
* Karen is a pen name I've used to protect the author's privacy.
|
|
