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Teen tips on coming out as trans to parents

   

A reader notes:

Hi, I’m 15 and was just reading your website through again, and I decided that I could add something to the parents section.

I just recently realized that I was transsexual, about 8 months ago. Things have been going fairly smoothly for me, mostly thanks to my wonderful friends, but my parents are a different story. I told them about 4-5 months ago, and then I only told my mom. She seemed very accepting of it, and was fairly nice about it. I gave her a printout of the “mom, I need to be a girl” book, which has some great info in it, and it probably helped her understand it better. The next thing she did was take me to a therapist, which surprised me a lot. The therapist was very nice, and actually believed that I was transsexual. After the first session with her, I made my first major mistake.

I didn’t personally tell my dad.

My dad… I wouldn’t really expect to be that accepting of it. So my mom asked me if she wanted her to tell my dad about it. And I said yes. So things happened, and eventually I went up to my room to find my dad sitting in there. And after talking for a bit, he brought up the fact that I thought that I was transsexual. We talked for a bit, and I don’t think he ever got the whole picture. That was my first big mistake.

So things went fairly smoothly after that. My parents brought me to another therapist, and I’m still not sure if they did that because they actually wanted a second opinion, or because they didn’t like the way that things were heading with the other one. This therapist wasn’t actually that specialized for transsexuals, but was more specialized for kids. We had a couple sessions, but I think he was out of his league, in terms of what to do. Meanwhile, I made my second big mistake.

I didn’t talk to my parents very much.

For all young transsexuals out there, let me tell you this. Parents aren’t there to discourage you. They are there to help you. I’m not saying that mine did, but at least they want to try to help you. If you never talk to them about anything, they are never going to be on your side. They are going to be on whatever side they want to be on. And for some, like me, this is not the side that you want them to be on. As of now, I have fully come to terms with being a transsexual. I don’t have a drop of doubt in my body. My parents, on the other hand, think that either there is something wrong with me, or that I’ve been trying to convince myself that I’m transsexual so hard, that I’ve started to believe it, even though it’s not true. And while I didn’t give them the first idea, I did give them the second idea. I’ve stopped thinking that now, but obviously they haven’t. And I realize that if I had just talked to them more in the past 5 months, instead of keeping to myself, I would probably be a whole lot better off than I am now.

More info:

Coming out to parents
http://www.tsroadmap.com/early/comeout.html


This is talk, not advice. See Terms of Use for details.
Posted by Andrea James on 07/10 at 10:42 PM

Some parents are there to help, and some aren’t. There is a difference between being afraid of telling your parents--who wouldn’t be?--and knowing, from experience, that it might be dangerous to do so. What to do? I don’t know.

Posted by Megan  on  07/11  at  02:04 AM

I completely agree with Megan. and i like the way the writer handled the situaton to begin with. I admrire her/his courage. I wish I’d have had the knowledge and guts to tell my parents at 15. I think things would be completely different. The truth is however I didnt know myself. All I knew was that I was crying myself to sleep most nights because something was “different”. I was beat up, called names, teased, etc. by the other kids at school. It pushed me into a DEEP hole and I saw no light. I never talked to them so they never knew anyhting was wrong.  Then I put on a skirt and something clicked. Some would call it a epiphany. I dont know what it was but it felt… right… Like the missing piece to the puzzle had been found. So spent a little time at the library and decided that I must be TG. So I told them and we fought. I ended up homeless, broke and sick. It was good though. It made me grow up a bit. It was the time I needed to fiqure things out. Once I recovered I was brought back home a wiser woman. I had realized that my parents who had raised a “boy” were now grieveing the loss of that “boy” and that my sudden honesty while great for me had jolted them. I failed to see this because I never realized thats who they thought they had. I decided that the best way to do this… to get to where I need to be was too hide it without really hiding it. So i got a job, went back to college, and when i can my parents and i talk. Im seeing a Psychiatrist and have become a advocate for GLBT rights in Utah. In summmary i think the bigegst mistake you can make is too spring it on them rather then siting down and having adult conversations over a period of time and allowing them to come to terms with it too. Someone once told me “ Its easy for you because you’ve known all this time. You have to realize that they just heard about it so they need time”. The best thing to do is be honest, forthright, caring and consierate. Parents are humans too.

Posted by  on  07/13  at  08:02 PM
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