This is a parody. Many lines in this parody are direct quotations from The Man Who Would Be Queen by J. Michael Bailey, but with "transsexualism" replaced with "divorce."

This is part of the Bailey-Blanchard-Lawrence clearinghouse.


The Dad Who Would Be Lad

The Science of Marriage-Bending and Divorce

By I. Emma Niddiot

It's 2pm, and I'm tired. I have spent the lunch hour in the Evanston Bennigan's, observing the white-collar midwestern males who think they're being rebellious when they take a "long lunch" of 90 minutes. I have had limited success in recruiting subjects for my study of adulterers and divorcés.

I spot Tim, a white male in his late 40's, with a loosened tie at the bar by himself. Tim is an exquisite specimen. When I approach, I see a soft white band of flesh on Tim's left ring finger, a sign of a recent divorce. But I'm not sure. Maybe he has just slipped the ring in his pocket, or lost it? Maybe he's a real bachelor, but what is he doing here alone, at this hour? Tim is well into his fourth jumbo margarita, and he looks so forlorn, I decide not to risk having him come on to me by approaching him. There will be time to find out from others if Tim is divorced or not, so I leave him to nurse his drink and, perhaps, his wounds.

*****

Divorced males are hot. Let’s take a look at divorce mania and what drives these males to go against all rules of normal society and shed their genetic-based roles of husband and father.

Whenever we see one of these people in the "12 items or fewer" lane at the store, clutching a frozen pizza and a six-pack of whatever mid-price beer is on sale, questions always come to mind:

"What would it be like to become involved, knowingly or not, in a romantic relationship with a divorced guy?"

"Isn’t it amazing how convincing a bachelor he makes? You'd never guess he was once married!"

- or for the other type -

"Isn’t it strange to see that married-looking person proclaiming his inner singleness, dressed like a bachelor, and evidently somewhere in the process of obtaining a divorce, when he used to be married and work in a bank?"

To get these answers, you need to talk to the right people: divorced males themselves. So let's go to some strip clubs and massage parlors and see what they have to say for themselves!

*****

'Single' Men Who Were Once Husbands: "Kurt" and "Mike"

I should explain what I mean by divorced guy. A divorced guy is simply any male who has seriously considered divorce. It doesn't matter if they do anything about it or not, in my definition, they are divorced guys.

A politically incorrect friend of mine named Hugh Jass is a well-known Chicago divorce lawyer with the firm Dewey, Cheatham & Howe. “The Dewey,” as the firm is affectionately nicknamed, is the only place in town offering free federally-funded legal services of its type. Over the years, Mr. Jass has had intake sessions with thousands of low-income males who presented to him because of a desire to be divorced.

Because they had no choice if they wanted his free services, Mr. Jass thought it would be extremely relevant to force each male seeking divorce to fill out a questionnaire about his sexual history and tell Mr. Jass about his masturbatory fantasies. From this, Mr. Jass developed a brilliant scientific taxonomy of these males unable to live as husbands.

There are two types of males who seek divorce:

Type 1: homosexual (or gaily divorced)

These men split from their wives because of their attraction to men.

Type 2: autocelebphilic (or Bailey divorced)

This term was coined by Jass to describe the other type. The name 'Bailey' is taken from Mr. Jass' most egregious example of this type. These men split from their wives because they are sexually aroused by the thought or image of themselves as bachelors. Over time, their masturbatory fantasies about being with other women and being young and popular become so strong that they actually attempt to become bachelors. It’s a type of fetish also called autocelebphilia (otto-seh-leb-FILL-ee-uh), after the Latin word caelebs, which means “single man.” I'll be talking more about this fixation, and why many Bailey types vehemently deny their addiction to masturbation.

Fig. 1: Males who seek to divorce. "Kurt," a Type 1(left) and "Mike," a Type 2 (right).

I don’t know how to put this delicately, so I’ll just come out and say it. Type 1's are much more attractive than Type 2's. They do fine in society following their divorces, often finding a companion and living out their days in peace and happiness.

Fig. 2: Appearance of Type 2's

plus = Type 2 range of appearance

Type 2's usually look like Al Bundy from Married With Children, crossed with Ted Bundy of serial-killing fame. In fact, it is interesting to note that Al Bundy suffered from marriage dysphoria, constantly pining for his bachelor days and making misogynistic comments about his wife. Ted Bundy also considered himself a bachelor and was quite the misogynist, breaking off an engagement in 1974 before beginning his murder spree. This interesting observation should in no way suggest that males who seek divorce have any connection to misogynistic behavior or criminal activity.

As you can see in Figure 1, Type 2's are usually seen stumbling around half-drunk, in an attempt to self-medicate, and to help maintain their fragile delusion that they are desirable "single" males. Because society and the women they desire view Type 2's as pathetic failures, these males are usually avoided by women as soon as the women learn the Type 2 is is not a natural bachelor. For this reason, Type 2's seem biologically suited to the meaningless relationships they can find through strip clubs and soliciting prostitutes, which they do as a way to mimic real single males who are picking up women at normal clubs and social settings.

Fig. 3: A Type 2 in the early stages of nightly self-medication, undertaken in order to make themselves feel more like "bachelors." Note the subtle variation in neckwear between Figs. 1 and 3-- this is frequently the only way to tell another day has passed in their lives. This is a typical Type 2 attempt to look like a real bachelor. Note the need to keep the right hand occupied.

Type 2's are so "clockable" (their word) as divorced guys that they usually just come out and say so right at the onset of an encounter with a female. Most women leave immediately, but some Type 2's manage to find a female who is willing to be near them until someone better comes along.

Type 2's obsessively masturbate while thinking about what it would be like to be a bachelor. Rather than thinking of specific bachelors like Vin Diesel or Colin Farrell, Type 2's prefer to masturbate to images of bachelors with anonymous models they find in "lad mags" like Details or Maxim. They will masturbate to pornographic videos, imagining themselves as the single guy in the film. Type 2's secretly wish they were more like a Type 1, at least physically, since Type 1's are able to assume the role of society's stereotype of bachelor more easily.

Although it's rare, Type 2's sometimes befriend Type 1's in order to heighten their fantasy that they are just like Type 1's. Type 1's usually want nothing to do with the Type 2's, since it's much harder to hook up in a bar with a visibly divorced guy next to you.

Even when Type 2's do manage to find a human willing to have sex with them, they do this only in the service of their fantasy of bachelorhood, and not out of any desire for the sex partner.

In time, these Type 2's settle into a pattern after their marital reassignment decree where their obsession with bachelorhood wanes. Though they self-identify as "single," most people would not classify them as such, since they fall far outside what most women would call a single-looking man. They claim they are happier after their divorces, but by any objective standard this is clearly a fabrication. Type 2's love to lie about how "hip" and "successful" they are after their divorces. Their stories cannot be considered reliable, however, so you need to rely on my brilliantly unbiased and completely objective assessment of them rather than their own deluded stories.

The Catholic Church and other conservative groups would like to see both Types eliminated. I should point out that science has proven that divorced men are far more likely to die from autoerotic asphyxiation or from suicide, and they tend to be more involved in criminal activity such as soliciting prostitutes, but that should be in no way construed as a license for conservative groups to oppress divorced males. Those are simply scientific facts related to their biological and sexual drives. I would be shocked, shocked I say, if any of my science were used in any way to denigrate divorced males. My objective observations are all based on the reliable scientific work of my friend Mr. Jass, whose character, motives for collecting sex data, and methodology are all above reproach.

In the interest of fairness, I should note that a handful of hysterical divorced males trying to influence the public dare to question my authority. I don't have time to respond to individual comments from irate divorced guys, so I will just say that if you talk to one of these whackos long enough, it will become obvious they are Type 2's who fetishize bachelorhood. If Mr. Jass and I saw the same 100 divorced guys, I would be surprised if we disagreed on more than 2.

Conservative groups see divorce as a sin, but most enlightened experts like Mr. Jass and me are sensitive enough to see this phenomenon as what it really is: a sex-fueled mental illness. We are working hard to find the "divorce gene" so these sick individuals can be cured of their unnatural obsession with changing their marital status.

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Henry Fielding had Pamela, Alexander Pope had Colley Cibber. I get this doofus, but hey, I'm working with what I was given. If you found this parody funny, please let me know. A quick nod to Evelyn who corresponded with me on a similar theme last week! For more on this book, see the Bailey-Blanchard-Lawrence clearinghouse.