Honesty

by S

[This was written in response to How lies affect the spouses of TGs]

I read with utter horror the letter from Michelle whereby her husband went through years of egotistical behavior before being open about his/her gender dysphoria to his/her spouse leaving her in debt and emotional pain from a 27 year marriage with children.

I would like to mention about my experiences of a failed marriage which I have many regrets about and pain but understand totally how my spouse must have felt and that pain for me has been the worst.

I was very in love with S__, and during our dating we were very much happy and in love. The problem for me was that I was in total denial of my gender dysphoria, I remember now as I look back that I knew the deep pain inside me with my incongruity but I also knew how much I loved this woman. I very stupidly believed I could hide even overcome these feelings. And so I wasn't honest to her we were married and for 2 years we were happy, then life just seemed to be plodding along for us and I could feel a deep depression resulting from my desires to be my female identity.

After several months I became agitated and annoyed at little irrelevant things and found myself more and more needing to feel feminine. I began hating the way I looked and how much my wife wanted me to be more masculine expecting me to be 'Bob the Builder'. Eventually like a volcano I erupted and we started a pattern of arguing, I would just fly off the handle and each time I could feel the resentment in her from this behavior that lasted for several days, often not resolving before another argument.

We sought counseling, but it was a young male counselor that I couldn't open up to, so I still kept silent about being TG. What made matters worse was that my wife was a nurse manager of a behavioral health unit (mainly elderly patients with dementia) but I'd heard the psychiatrist there mention about a visit to San Francisco where he'd seen a TS there and then went on to make it clear he felt those sort of people were perverts. I was shocked after all this coming from a Dr in the medical profession and specializing in behavioral health. I felt there was no one I could turn to, all this was in the rural Midwest.

Time went by and I made another stupid mistake of buying a few items of female clothes and hiding them which inevitably S__ found, following this I tried to explain but by then S__ decided the marriage was over. It came to a head in May that year when we had a very severe argument and I moved out the following week to an apartment. At first there was a little respite and relief from all the stress but after just a short time I started to miss her terribly. S__ made it clear that the marriage was over, and that I'd lied and deceived her and hurt ner deeply and that was unforgivable, I hated myself I'd lost the one person I loved with all my heart and soul. After 3 years of marriage in August 03 I received the divorce papers, I collected the last of my stuff from her and tried a desperate attempt to repair things and for us to try therapy with a gender specialist in the nearest large city, but I was too late-- she'd found someone else online, it was over and she said she had moved on.

I was devastated and so I decided to move to the nearest large city for support and made regular appts with the gender therapist and was diagnosed that Sept '03 at the age of 36 with gender dysphoria, I was deeply unhappy and felt suicidal. I couldn't stand that my marriage had fallen apart and it was my fault, my life felt totally empty, I kept thinking about how so unlike my normal placid loving personality I had been when with S__. All I can put it down to was I think my denial and self loathing, my self esteem was very battered as I'm sure hers was too.

We divorced in Aug 04 and S__ made a new life for herself with her new partner in another state. It has taken me since then to finally find my self acceptance of this cruel condition but there's few days I don't think about her and what a terrible terrible mistake I made by not being honest from the start. One saving grace if you can call it that we didn't have children, but my love for her remains and I don't date, I am lucky I have lots of friends now all aware of my TG situation.

The last 2 years have been a journey of discovery and with many therapy sessions to work through my emotions to where I am now. I am now full time 24/7 and hope to have surgery soon. After this maybe I can find love again, I hope maybe S__ will read this who knows and maybe find some forgiveness for my terrible actions. I hope she is well and happy in her new life.

I also hope that maybe if its posted it will help others to avoid the terrible mistake I made and just be open and honest with any future spouse/partner. One big lesson I have learned is that it is so important to be true to yourself and honest then most people will see this and admire you for it.