Things you can do before your parents know

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I got a letter the other day from someone who still lives with her parents:

I haven't told my parents about wanting to be a girl but I would like to start transitioning. I would like to know some tips that will help in my transition without my parents finding out. What things can I get that will help in the process?

This is a great question!

Many young women are afraid to tell their parents they are transsexual while they still live at home. I sure was. In some cases, this is with very good reason. We sometimes get kicked out of the house, especially if our parents are religious or strict. However, parents are generally getting better about accepting TS children and actually helping them out.

When they came out to their parents, many young TSs say that their parents had already suspected they were gay or maybe transgender. They may have already found some hints and never mentioned it to you. They may have even asked you. Then again, they could be in complete denial, even if they have had some clues.

My basic advice is not to come out to your parents without thinking it all through. Read my section on coming out first. However, while you're planning on how and when to tell your parents, you don't have to sit around doing nothing.

Here's a list of ten things you can do while still living with your parents that will help you in transition. I've listed them by how hard they are to hide from parents.

Easy (won't raise any suspicions)

Schoolwork

Concentrate on doing well in school. If you plan to attend college (which I highly recommend), work on getting college scholarships (I'd avoid athletic scholarships or others that might be revoked if you transition during college). If you have scholarships, it will free up both your money and possibly your parents' money for your transition. The better you do in school, the better job options you'll have, which means more money, which means faster transition.

Financing

Start working as much as you can and saving money. Even a $6 an hour job 20 hours a week will give you about $5,000 after taxes in just one year.

Intermediate (won't raise any suspicions unless they find your stuff)

Research

Just make sure you keep your research materials where they won't be seen by your parents.

Voice

Start practicing now-- it takes a while to get it right. Make sure to practice where your parents won't hear you, and be sure to hide your practice materials. I recommend hiding your practice tape separately from your recorder.

Name

You should spend some time deciding on your name. Read my section on that.

Advanced (might raise suspicions)

Hair

Start growing it out all one length.

Skin

Take good care of it. Moisturize and use lots of sunscreen, and avoid the sun. Wash your face twice a day and exfoliate. You'll thank me later.

Therapy

If you say you're just very depressed, you might be able to get therapy without your parents suspecting you're TS. However, they will certainly want to talk to you about how you feel, and this can lead to some intense questioning sometimes.

Expert (either difficult or will probably raise questions)

Hair Removal

You should get this started on your face as soon as possible. It might be hard to find someone who will work on a person under 18 without parental permission, but check around.

Hormones

They can be obtained without your parents' knowledge if you're careful. You should try to get on an anti-androgen like spironolactone at the very least. I do not recommend self-administering hormones, but if you are considering it, you can buy them illegally on the street (expensive, unreliable) or through overseas pharmacies (expensive, sometimes confiscated). See my pages on how to set up a mailbox and obtaining hormones as a minor if you feel this is a step that is right for you.

Send me your thoughts, links, and advice!

If you transitioned in your teens or twenties and have any advice you'd like to share, please contact me , and I'll give it a permanent (and anonymous) home.