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Transitioning early in life: Shelly's advice
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[letter to parents] May 22, 2003 From the time period encompassing 1995 to 2000, I made no emotional progress.
In fact, I even went “backwards” by setting aside my personal needs
for the needs of the family (bounded by Hispanic culture). At the closing of
Senior High School (from 1991 to 1995), I was very much afraid of socialized
settings. My biggest fears was simply ‘intermixing’ in a crowd of
people because I was “stared down” by classmates. I was developmentally
slower than the rest of my class for taking Basic English classes combined with
speech therapy. I couldn’t spend time in finding my sense of self because
of the following events from 1995 to 2000: November 2000 I joined the rave and dance subculture in hopes of finding socialized acceptance
of my “Questioning” identity crisis/management as potentially LGBTQ
[Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, transgender, or Questioning]. Back then; I had the
appearance of a Narcotics Police Officer looking for drugs to shut down parties. This message was clearly communicated to me after that night. I was socially
rejected for trying to hard to be like them. Three months later, I decided to
do their drugs in hopes of acceptance. February 2001 I’ve done ecstasy for the first time. I knew exactly what was about to
happen due to three months of “research”. Even high, I felt un accepting
of myself or my surroundings. That is, until I decided to “occasionally
do more drugs”. February 2001 – June 2002 Sixteen months of drug use. I learned how to become a drug addict by “controlling
my usage” and allowing others to share their drugs with me (oral drugs,
not intravenous). My primary reason for using the drugs was to dull my feelings
about “coming out” toward the family as transgender. THE FEAR GAME (08-2001 to 06-2002) In terms of the “coming out [of the closet]” process, I have already
described such hellish way to come out on campus. I thought I had my friends
and support, but I guess that wasn’t the case. I was constantly fed Christian
versions of “you're going to hell” that were grossly inappropriate
from even trusted counselors on campus. This is what led into that crazy night
of November 5, 2002. The primary reason why I decided to “come out” by letter is simple:
I am certain that you would read through every last word that I have cared so
much to write. If I were to come out by person, I would get interrupted by various
questions such as, “are you sure?” “You’ve chosen a hard
life” “People will not understand you” and crap like this. I
am not saying that these statements have no substance; however, as this paper
proves, I HAD a most difficult life in readjusting. When I kept saying, “It already happened” I was talking about this.
This meaning, I’ve already been raped and molested on the street and subjected
to massive abuse at college. I’ve already
been stared down and in my view laughed at because “no man can ever be
a girl.” People are absolutely narrow minded to even define a gender based
on what is [or is not] between a person’s legs. NEGATIVE STREET EXPERIENCES Because of the perceived lack of familial support, I explicitly searched the
streets of Los Angeles looking for an “accepting
second family”. In the month of May 2002, a 48yo man looking to “date”
seduced me. I was raped; threatened by handgun [even though no handgun existed];
ordered to comply with actions else I feared battery and physical assault on
top of that. I was injured for two days but failed to report the crimes because
I believed the Police Department would have placed
the blame on me because I was homosexual. In the same month, an older man again seduced me. That led into a “single
night date” till 3:30am in the city of ___.
My reward? I was off the street for the night and given a t-shirt. I was simply living on the street due to internalized fear that I would get
kicked out of the house by “coming out” as a transgender person. A PLEA FOR HELP Almost all transsexual youth and young adults go through rather traumatic experiences in hopes of identity management and acceptance from the transsexual’s support network consisting of friends, family (local and extended), and community. Due to the AIDS epidemic of 1981, it was made clear to the heterosexual community that “Those queers started this, now let God burn them all to hell”. I am not responsible for 1981. I was five years old back then. What possibly could I have done to inflect such unwarranted statements simply because I am not heterosexual? REALITIES TRANSSEXUALS FACE 1. Parental Abuse, Neglect, Abandonment (your not my son/daughter, s/he’s
crazy), or refusal to discuss LGBTQ Issues. So we do not exist in the heterosexual world. We’ve already been subjected
to massive abuse, rapes, murders, and discriminatory practices. This is who
we are; it’s not about playing “dress up”. It is about living
in the life of the more appropriate gender than what we were assigned with.
Just as a gay man or a lesbian woman cannot be “forced to act heterosexual”,
neither can a transgender or transsexual person because such lines of thinking
focuses solely on behavioral patterns and not a person’s orientation. A
behavior can be fixed; a person’s physical, emotional and spiritual attraction
to another person cannot. Gender identity and expression encompasses the human soul and sprit: As such
requires taking into account the “wholeness” of a human being. Such
approaches demand a holistic (or humanistic) treatment that inventories a person’s
character. Every year, five hundred thousand American youth attempt suicide, if that figure
is not startling enough; four thousand (4000) actually complete such task(s).
The California Assembly introduced and passed Assembly Bill 537 (better known
as the Student Safety and Violence Prevention of 2000), which explicitly includes
a person’s “perceived sex or sexual orientation” is protected
from discriminatory practices. A transsexual (TS) cannot reasonably request that his or her “gender past”
is not known. Every day, a TS interacts in the course of ze’s (ze is a
gender-neutral word as the letter “Z” denotes a replaceable letter
from (h)e to (sh)e) life. Therefore, a person from ze’s “gender past”
can reappear into ze’s reassigned gender and must address those issues
on a case-by-case basis. Every day, a TS continues records at employment, housing, financial institutions, creditors, law enforcement and social service agencies (such as the Department of Motor Vehicles), etc. In an ideal sense, a transsexual completes a legal name change (LNC) and updates ze’s records using a signed judge’s decree as evidence of such name change. If it were that simple, a transsexual would simply get all ze’s records updated after simply appearing in front of a judge. Psychological Barriers for a Transsexual Although there are no guidelines for mental-health professionals that prevent
a transsexual from starting ze’s transition, [the] gay civil rights history
seems to provide us with several clues: These psychological barriers are answered in time that a transsexual realizes
the following: 1. The Department of Defense made such comments during the cold war where “secrets”
of a man’s intelligence position(s) can be discredited once one found out
he was homosexual. The Transsexual’s Decision to Begin Transition After ze fully recognizes the fact of difference and ze’s difference in
‘gender presentation’ the transsexual makes a decision that it is
time to transition between genders. Through emotional preparation and psychological
intervention, a transsexual documents three months of serious discussion and
consequences for “coming out” as transsexual.A Transsexual’s
timeline As the political “coming out” process continues, ze must decide who
needs to be told about ze’s transsexual status first. Usually, ze considers
the following factors: 1. Is ze is comfortable with ze’s sense of self and identity? 1. Shelly is 100% comfortable with the general transsexual process Based on the above questions and factors that have direct bearing upon the
decision to transition into becoming a female, Shelly has employed the following
timeline: 1. Sexual identity management and exploration Coming out (May 2002 to May 2003) 1. Identifying as part of the LGBTQ community 1. Coming out as transsexual to work supervisors 1. 6/2/2003 to 7/31/2003 Summer Work Session NOTE: For the fall 2003 academic term, I qualify for a federal pell grant.
Such checks are ordered by 8/8/03, 10/17, and 12/5 (approximate dates). 1st
week of school, 9th week and finally 15th week. My legal name change into Mz.
Shelly M will take place AFTER my fall 2003 pell grant has been paid. 1. 12/12 Make DMV Appointment for new ID card Additional Procedures 1. Live Spring 2004 as female; continue schooling Although I realize that I wouldn't "pass" firsthand; however, while
in the culinary arts program, that gives 2.5 years to live as female and learn.
This strategy would enable me to pretty much "fly under radar" except
with my family and at school. In terms of finding a executive chef's position,
I'll windup relocating over to Las Vegas, NV where my sister lives!! =^.^= Andrea's comments While I don't agree with every opinion in Shelly's excellent letter to her mom, I do feel that we are at higher risk of a lot of problems, which is why we have to work together to support each other in the face of society's disapproval. That means taking positive steps to prove them all wrong. Your success will be an even sweeter victory when it happens despite all the naysyaers! Sometimes explaining how hard this is can be a good way to get your parents to understand. You have to think hard about what your parents think, though. My parents would have freaked out if I came out with this letter, because they would start to fear the worst and might have moral issues with some of this stuff. For some people, it's better to point parents to positive role models and women who live in the mainstream. Still, if your parents understand the realities we face, they may want to help you avoid all that. Personally, I recommend talking about how most of us end up having happy lives, but much of that depends on the support we get. Many of the women who end up having problems have little or no family support. In addition, many parents would not want you to be out on the street or putting yourself in danger rather than tell them what's going on. However, everyone reacts differently to our news, so it is extremely important that you plan carefully when you come out, especially if you still live at home. If you live at home, this is probably the "make or break" moment, so have a good plan in place, including a place to go if your parents freak out. I'm not going to give a lecture on drugs, because that would be hypocritical of me. However, if you are using drugs to escape something or avoid something, you are headed down a very dangerous path. I spent my share of time in the club scene, and it can be great fun, but there are a lot of kinds of people in a scene like that, and some are pretty damaged or dangerous. Have fun (you're young, after all), but don't let the stuff consume your life. Otherwise you'll turn 30 and wonder what happened to your 20's, and you might have blown money that could have gotten you done with everything on drugs. Moderation in all things is the best route, if you ask me. Usually parents will not be completely accepting or rejecting on the spot, you'll probably need to talk to them several times before they completely understand. See the section on coming out for details. A plan like this is very important. You can't hit a target that doesn't exist. Vague fantasies about wanting to do something rarely materialize. You have to make your dreams real by setting down a serious plan. Otherwise other things will start to take over you life, and you'll get distracted, depressed, and lost. We face a lot of harassment when we are young, which can leave us feeling very disoriented and disconnected. It's tough, but try to reach out to people who can help you. Find someone in your area who has done this, and follow their lead. Read sites by women who have done all this, and come up with a plan. Don't relent to the people who tried to convince you that you were worthless. Prove how wrong they were! You are an amazing person with so much to offer! Thanks to Shelly for sharing this personal note to her parents, along with her timeline and message of hope! Send me your thoughts, links, and advice! If you transitioned in your teens or twenties and have any advice you'd like to share, please contact me , and I'll give it a permanent (and anonymous) home. |
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