Transitioning early in life: Pia's journey

[* name changed to protect her privacy. This reader is from Malaysia, and some of her background and beliefs are hers and not those of this site.]

Date 09 / April/ 2007

My History

Born in 1981, the last among the 4 siblings i was the weakest. in other words the foretold one. what was my sin or curse. was it a curse or sins of my parents in the past, that had caused me to become like this.

Or is this something like what my mom say," self causing interest"or making it up on my self. or is it just another girl traped in a male body.. its like a sheep in a wolf clothing.

My Chilhood

I was only 7 years old when i began to realise that something was wrong about me. i can easily faint,get shocked, afraid of things, and i was weak and less active.i can still remember that while i was in my primaries i got bullied by other kids.and because fear filled my heart, i can easily pee in my pants & even shit in pants when i cant control my self. there are times when teachers would ask me why i dont wanna go to toilet when i couldnt control. my answer was i was to keen to cleansfullnes and scared of ghost and things like that.basicly fear was my biggest threat. it happens even when a teacher were to just warn me, i would end up with such embaresment by doing such thing.

Oh!! what the hell with those things , i was even put out from joining any school activities like sports. such as soccer, and etc. even my teachers knew that i was a weak student based on my soft character and small body frame.

worst thing was when i couldnt even concentrate on my studies. this was caused not only because i was weak, but also because i was strickly brought up in a way that i didnt know about the outside world. my parents never allowed to go out anywhere or mix with other kids. one reason because,
maybe they were concern about my safety.but the mistake was, they were too over concern. that made me affraid to face outside world.

Realising As Teen

This prolonged for quite a long time until i was a teen, and when i was a tenager i began to take new steps in my life thinking this could make a change in my life. i begin by reading bible and getting attached to church activities but it all lasted only a couple of months.than again i was hounted by this dreams of me in a diffrent life as in form of a girl. at first i tought it was doing of the evil spirit. i learn this from a teacher in the sunday school which i use to attend in my childhood. but later i discovered it was something else instead. by then i was only 13.

i was in my secondaries as usual i was bullied and threaten by other kids. they would call me in names like , faggot , chicken , freak and even beat me up if i didnt give them money.

there are times when i would go back home with bruises. my mom will ask me what happened until like this.? but i was too afraid to tell them what had happened or what was going on in the school.
than i met this one boy whom was quite friendly but than again, he was bisexual. we were good friends.until one day he and i was in the classroom talking about sex topic. and out of the blue he asked me if he could have an intercourse with me.i was shocked but i did not answer a thing to him. and thats was the lastime i ever spoke to him.

By age 15, i tried to make my self to like girls. i tried many things to make my apprearence macho as posible for my familes sake. so that i wouldnt be noticeble by anybody and just act as a normal boy. and in someway i even tried to crooked things in life like joining the school gangsters. but there was no point. i wasnt strong enough for them, that i was bullied by my own team mates.it was all just me putting up a silly act. its like a " fly in the mids of elephants". and again i had to go back to my own path. back to my own life, i was 16, and since i knew that i'm no longer suite to the mens world i choose to makes friends with the girls.

Ever since then i felt so much attached, close and even comfortable with my life having friends like this girls. cause i had the feelings like there was no diffrence or boundries in between them and me.i was doing well in my studies, well concentrated in my class, and hardworking. plus the girls were very understanding caring and sharing in everything.i was way better in everything i do compared to the past years.

In My Twenties

Life changed drastically in my twenties. i was attached to the world of interaction, music, entertainment. i was a music tutor. i thought it was time for me to take my first step into the life i chose to live. by than i 22 year old. knowing i was mature, i tought i could start my own new life without hindrence.and i still remember when i asked my dad a question 1 year before he past away. in was 20 when i asked him this. me and my dad were in the van driving from down town.i was in my passanger seat. as i saw a (TS) waiting to catch a bus in station. i asked my dad pretending that i didnt know anything. " why are some people are living a life like this" as my dad answered he looked at the back panel mirror, "it was writen in the bible, at the time of King solomon there were this unique creation of the Lord called "Enoch".which mean people whom are created specialy by God to protect the womens from the roman guards and soldier from being rape victims. after he answered my question he left a big breath of releafe as if he had completed a tough mission in life that he had to score.

I knew right than and there that something was definately diffrent among my 3 other sibblings.

One afternoon as i sat all alone on a big rock placed outside of my house. i said to my self i will find and discover the hidden person inside me and help that person to be realease out of the trap.

My First Step

My first step was by meeting the type of people whom are like me and slowly consulting pharmacies for medication.but than my family discovered about me through my manager at my work place.he complained about my self being to my brother. my brother begin to be cruel by beating me up, and throwing my girls clothing, chucking away my hormones and etc.it kept going on until i was exhousted, sick and tired of him and my family. and then i was forced by my other brother and my sisters husband to work in construction.

that was the biggest way for them to break through my famininety. but i had given no choice but to put up with it.my heart was completely torn apart, until i stoped looking after my self or even thinking of being the person i wanted to be.hardship caused by appearence ,skin were rough and darkened. and i begin getting muscles mass on my arms and all over my body.

even that lasted only a couple a months until one day i scrolled up like a dead leach in the conner of my bedroom. i had such bad dreams at night, and had no appetite.mentaly distressed. than the next day after i woke up in conciousness, i felt that this is it!!...i have to stand for my rights.

i stoped thinking alot after all the problems i've been through and troubles caused to my self.

Time To Move

I quit the concrete line and stayed jobless for about 8 months, until i went on a big approach
in life. it was a big day of my life. i'm going to Australia to start a new life away from my family.but things were not as i planed when i touched down in Australia.my friend whom i knew from my childhood turn his back on me. i had no choice than to leave him and fly to Melbourne.

and even when i was in melbourne things went wrong as well.the guy whom i knew from the internet chat. just wanted me for his taste.well..i believe you get what i mean by that.. no details required i guess.finally i flew back to perth and faced a new problem with my friend again. whom seem to verbaly abuse and lock me in his house as he goes to work. treating me like a house maid. once again i had to fight my way out to stay out his sight.and seeking for help from outside.

Crisis care" an organisation that helped me to realise whom i was. they gave confidence, and encourage me to stay firm.and after a few weeks i decided to go back to malaysia.

Now i'm back in malaysia, i learn a lot about the outside world. i know good, bad, confidence
and who i realy am.and what i've missed alot in my life. my life before i went to australia was like a Toad under the coconut husk.

Yes!!" its true , we should obey our parents and do as they told.but not as they desire. because
respect for a value, obey to gain knowledge, but not desire of others that makes you a slave. why i say this,, because one day when you are old and your parents are gone. there you will be lost and not know which path you have took. why? ...the answer is because you do as what others desire till you become helpless as a puppet without its play master. in other words of saying a person " whom thinks the whole world is family."

3 years ago i said to my self. that i'll be full transition by age 25. now i say another will again. by mid 27-28 i shall fully complete my transition with my SRS.


Send me your thoughts, links, and advice!

If you transitioned in your teens or twenties and have any advice you'd like to share, please contact me , and I'll give it a permanent (and anonymous) home.