Everyone has different issues when they come out to relatives. I'm sharing
the most difficult situation I ran into in my own transition, as a way to show
that even the toughest situations often have happy endings.
I came out to my parents in 1997. My mom insisted I not tell my grandfather,
who is a very religious man. I knew he had two choices: he could accept me,
or not accept me. My mom was not willing to allow him to make this choice for
fear of how it would affect his opinion of her.
This led to a lot of problems once I went full-time. I now couldn't go to family
events, and I had to make a lot of excuses. Eventually, I convinced my mom to
tell my grandmother, and in late 1998, she told my grandfather. His response
was one of shock and denial. He wrote a letter to my parents in which he condemned
my actions on religious grounds. He quoted from the Bible and made no bones
about the fact that he thought this was wrong.
In 1999, I sent him a copy of a transcript of the religious program The 700
Club, during which host Pat Robertson said transsexuals were not sinners. This and
a lot of supportive comments from my family members eventually got him to the
point I thought I would write to him in late 1999.
Here's what I sent to him.
October 5, 1999
Chicago
Dear Grandpa--
Now that you have been told about the recent events in my life and had a
chance to respond, I wanted to write to you directly to give you a better
picture of everything that's going on with me.
First, I want to apologize for not having told you sooner. My mom was very
concerned about telling you, and she made me promise that I would not. She
was worried how much it might upset you, and was even concerned it might adversely
affect your health. She was also quite certain you would immediately have
objections on religious grounds before hearing the full story. Because I love
her, I respected her wishes and did not tell you.
I also think she was hoping to avoid the issue entirely. I suspect she worried
what you would think of her, or that you might blame her or somehow think
less of her for my condition. I was very relieved to hear that this concern
was unfounded. I can assure you that my parents have been nothing but loving
and wonderful and moral throughout my life, and I can see nothing they did
that might have caused me to be this way. No one knows for sure what causes
this anyway, although a couple of medical studies suggest a biological reason.
The most common biological theory is that something happens during fetal brain
development, but very little is known for certain. This condition is a recognized
clinical diagnosis in medical and psychiatric fields and considered distinct
from issues of sexual desire. For all I know, this all developed well before
I even came into my parents' lives.
The bottom line is that I don't care what caused this. All I know is that
it has always been a part of my life. This is something I have been struggling
with since I was 4. Some of my earliest memories involved feeling like things
were "not right" and thinking I should be female. However, I was
very intent on trying to do what was expected of me and making everyone proud.
I have always been a bit of an overachiever in an attempt to block out how
I was feeling. Eventually, I could not bear it any longer. After much introspection
and agonizing, I faced up to what I've known since I was little. After a great
deal of research and counseling, I sought treatment that has brought a tremendous
sense of relief to me. I feel so much more at ease, and anyone who has known
me through the years can attest that I seem much happier now.
One of the greatest obstacles in explaining my condition is that most people
have a very skewed view of it, based on the more prurient depictions of us
in the media. We also tend to be lumped in with all sorts of other groups
as if this is about sexuality. This is not about lust. It's about living a
life where people see me the way I've always seen myself. At this point, most
people do not have any idea that I have been anything other than female. That's
all I've ever wanted out of this.
Most women I know who have this condition lead quiet, productive lives just
like me. I have close personal friends with this condition who are computer
programmers, engineers, lawyers, professors, doctors. I know another graduate
from my college who is thirty years my senior. I even know an ordained Presbyterian
minister. This condition occurs in all walks of life, albeit extremely rarely.
Most experts put the occurrence between one in 30,000 and one in 100,000 people.
My transition at work was greeted with virtually unanimous acceptance. Upper
management was especially responsive, and there was a tremendous outpouring
of support from coworkers. When I left last May, our boss said there had been
two things in his entire career that had made him proud to work there, one
of which was how well everyone responded to my transition. They understood
that this was not an easy course of action, and that I am not a deviant or
sinner for having sought treatment for this.
Lest you worry, this has not hurt my employment prospects. In fact, I just
finished up a 2-month freelance project at another agency that netted me almost
three times my old salary. This is giving me time to do some writing when
I'm not freelancing. I also recently wrote an extensive petition to the Food
and Drug Administration to get a ruling on a product that does not work as
advertised. I have found this sort of consumer activism very rewarding. I
also have a full and happy social life where I am accepted and treated as
I always felt I should-- as a female. I have all sorts of friends, both new
and old. I am still in contact with friends from college and work, as well
as plenty of new friends.
Now, as far as moral or religious objections about my condition, I'm certain
this has been weighing heavily on your heart. I can tell you that many deeply
religious people have faced this issue in the life of a family member or in
their own lives. Some have found solace and comfort in the Bible and have
accepted this condition. Others have rejected and condemned this condition
based on Scripture. They do not recognize the opinions of medical and legal
experts, but base their opinions on their initial revulsion at the very idea.
I contend that this is no different than any other sort of corrective surgery,
even though many people immediately tie it in with sexual issues. I would
not presume to say which way your heart will lead you, although I truly hope
that you can find a way to accept me and allow me to be a part of your life.
For your consideration, I have included a few Bible passages that I think
are relevant to my condition. Some of these are open to interpretation, and
I don't dare to proclaim that I know the exact definition of the passages
below. I hope you find them helpful.
In I Samuel 16:7 , the LORD says: I do not judge as man judges. Man looks
at the outward appearance, but I look at the heart.
Jesus said in Matthew 19:12: For there are some eunuchs, who were so born
from their mother's womb: and there are some eunuchs, who were made eunuchs
by men: and there are eunuchs who have made themselves eunuchs for the Kingdom
of Heaven's sake. He that is able to receive it, let him receive it.
Galatians 3:28: ...there is neither male nor female, for we are all one
in Christ Jesus.
John 3:16: For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son,
that whosoever believeth in Him should not perish, but have everlasting
life.
I underlined "whosoever" in the last passage because I think
it means anyone who believes. There are other passages which can be interpreted
in many ways. If you'd like, I can send you others to consider.
To dismiss this condition as evil or the work of the devil without an understanding
of what it entails is hasty, I think. There are many legal and medical experts
who recognize the legitimacy of this condition. I have changed my name legally,
my sex legally, my driver's license, my social security, my passport, my birth
certificate. I am recognized as female by all laws. I am legally entitled
to marriage if I desired. All of these things have been debated by lawmakers
who recognize this is a legitimate condition that deserves compassion, not
condemnation. I am medically recognized as female by every doctor and specialist
I see. My insurance recognizes that I am female. Insurance companies can even
pay for treatment of this condition.
I have always tried very hard to be a good person and to do what is right.
While I have committed and asked forgiveness for many sins in my life, I do
not consider this a sin. I want to emphasize that I was not keeping this news
from you because I am ashamed about this. I have no regrets about having sought
treatment for this, except that I wish I had done so earlier in my life. My
only regret in doing it is the hardship it has brought to friends and loved
ones as they each struggled toward acceptance and understanding. I hope your
own struggle ends in acceptance as well.
One of the most painful parts of not telling you is that I was not able to
be as much a part of your lives as I've wanted in the last two years. I have
very much wanted to see you both and speak with you on the phone. I have included
my new address and phone number at the bottom of this letter in hopes of renewed
contact.
The most important thing has not changed, and it never will. I love you unconditionally
and have the utmost respect for you.
Love, Andrea
I kept writing letters over the next nine months. Nothing fancy, just short
notes letting him know what was going on with me-- the kind of letters I'd been
writing him for years. In the summer of 2000, my grandpa was celebrating his
90th birthday, and I was asked to come. It was the first time I'd seen him in
three years.
At my grandma and grandpa's house, Thanksgiving 2000.
If you transitioned in your teens or twenties and have any advice you'd like
to share, please contact me , and I'll give it a permanent
(and anonymous) home.
