From Within

Chapter Nine

With a week to go until the start of college[1] time past with relative ease, Emily started back at school in the first week of September with Vicky having her college induction day the same week.  Emily was still with Darren and Vicky was still with Seb, which had made the past week fly past since their meeting on the beach.  As per usual the weather turned greatly downhill with the start of school, Vicky hadn't remembered a first day of school that wasn't overcast.  However, the Monday when she had her induction day at college, started of grey and almost with some sense of symbolism, the sun came out to make the day a rather sunny one indeed.  Vicky was incredibly nervous, so many of the people she had been at school with until six weeks ago, had also gone up to college, a lot of them had already heard the rumour which Vicky had decided to ignore when Emily or Ellen told her some of the things going around the village they lived in.  (The college was in a nearby large town)

 

They had to go to the sports hall to find out which tutorial groups they were going to be in for the two years at college; Vicky unfortunately had to stand queuing on her own, but she put a brave face on a smiled nicely hoping someone would come over and say "Hi!".  But nobody did, everyone was in their "groups" of friends from school; and since Vicky had none, she waited patiently and did not let it get the better of her.  The previous week, Vicky had also followed up arranging an appointment with a psychiatrist who specialised in gender dysphorias, he was based in London and his name was Dr. Russell Reid[2].  The appointment was private, but Vicky agreed with her parents that she would pay half of the first appointment fee, this didn't bother her contributing at all, she so dearly needed to see a specialist, with the hope of receiving hormones, she also needed to start electrolysis to remove the facial hair she had, thankfully it was still easily concealable and not that dense and would not take years to be resolved, all this was slowly in hand.

 

Eventually the sport's hall doors opened and the students filed into, and found out who they would be with for the next two years, after looking on the big notice boards, Vicky slowly wandered over in her baggy trousers, her denim jacket with simple baby blue strappy top on underneath to the far left corner of the hall.  Some students were already there, she was terrified of what was going to happen, whether people all stopped and looked as she walked passed, but no one did, she walked on by and began to hold her head high thinking "I have every right to be here and I'm going to make the most of it" - and she did, her head lifted from the ground for many years she stared at as she walked, as she lifted it up and carried on walking looking straight forward.  She was with Mrs Adams for the two years, who seemed a nice enough looking middle aged lady, who smiled and greeted Vicky when she got there.

 

"Hi there" Mrs Adams said holding her hand out to Vicky, the two shook hands "and you are?" she asked.

"I'm Vicky, think I'm in the right place" she said so nervously, shyly looking around her.  Mrs Adams checked her list

"Victoria Jefferies, yes?" she said.

"Yes, that's me" Vicky said back proudly hearing her name again.

"We'll be going to the tutor room when the remaining four get here" Mrs Adams explained smiling.

 

Vicky stood back and a few girls said Hi at that point, and from that moment onwards, they kept on chatting at every available point that day, they did not know anything about Vicky's past, and there was no way she was going to divulge those details to them.  Eventually someone who was at her old school came along.  Vicky heard the name and thought "Oh god, this is where it's going to be all ruined!"  The girl came along and knew who Vicky was, but she didn't give her an evil, an untoward look, she had heard the rumours and from them had learnt her name.

 

"Hey, Vicky!" she said as she pretended to notice her (she knew full well she was there!), she walked over

"Heh, Hi Danielle" Vicky said tentatively

"So, looks like we're together again for two years" said Danielle smiling.

"Seems so, hey come and meet Lucy, Becky and Hannah" she said introducing the girls she had been chatting too.  They all began talking away, eventually Mrs Adams led the whole group from the hall to the tutor room.   Danielle just held Vicky back as they began to walk off

"Vicky... I won't say anything, and if you want to talk anytime, just let me know!" Vicky smiled and gave Danielle a big hug.

"That's very kind, thanks!" Vicky said.

"Is it OK if I ask you a few things sometime" said Danielle, very intrigued to find out more about Vicky's situation.

"Sure, just not now, and well I don't want to talk about it too much though honey" said Vicky still smiling.  They quickly caught up with the rest of the group and got to the classroom...  (Or Class-tomb as Vicky used to call it at school!)

 

The day went quickly enough, and apart from a rather disgusting look from one of the lads who on occasion made nasty comments to Vicky at school, the day passed without hitch, she was so pleased with herself and made some good friends that day, she actually even enjoyed it, which was making the proposition of two years studying A-Levels[1] in English Language, Geography, and Media Studies in the hope to go on and do a degree to pursue a career in Primary School[3] teaching.  She was very passionate about this and after getting such good grades for her GCSEs (three As, Seven Bs and a C grade) she was destined to do well and become a very good student, hungry to learn in an undisturbed environment and with at last a sense of true happiness in her life.

 

"So Vic, what you doing tonight, you seeing your man" asked Becky on their way out of the college doors.  The three girls she met in the hall and become friends with straight away did not even have an inkling about her past.

"Probably, not sure yet though, I'll have to give him a call" Vicky chuckled with folders under her arm, typical student!

"That's cool, well least someone's lucky to be dating" laughed Hannah, in a joking manner.

"Well I'm sure there'll be plenty of hot lads at the Fresher's Ball!" smirked Vicky, the four laughed as Danielle caught up with them

"So what did you think of today?" she said.

"Yeah it was cool I thought" said Vicky.

"Yeah, Mrs Adams seems really nice doesn't she" answered Lucy.

"And, wow, so much more freedom than school, looks like this should be fun girls!" laughed Becky.  They all laughed as they waited for the bus back home, and at last Vicky was living and fully accepted as one of them, a girl, the best feeling she had ever known.

 

A few weeks past by, and Vicky sensed things with Seb weren't going so well, he was in his last year of school, she was at college, and though he was a nice guy, as soon as he was with his mates, she felt rather ignored.  She wasn't too upset about this, she knew it wasn't her fault, so one night she called him over to talk.  They sat down on Vicky's newly decorated room (which was a bit more girly looking now by this time!) on her bed and Vicky just came out with it honestly.

 

"Seb,  I've been thinking, and I don't think this, us is going to work is it?" she said asking the difficult question, there was an awkaward pause.

"Why, what do you mean, what's wrong?" he said rather shocked.  Vicky paused for a moment,

"We're too far apart, we can't see much of each other what with me at college and you at school, it's hard" the difficult conversation continued for a long time.  Eventually about an hour or so later, the issue had been dealt with amicably enough.

"So we'll definitely still be friends" Seb asked a little disheartened still.

"Definitely, and don't think I'm not grateful for everything you have done, because I am" Vicky answered.  The two hugged and Seb stayed a while longer just talking things over and general chat, by nine o' clock, Seb needed to leave, and duly he did, they hugged and kissed goodbye and arranged to just meet as friends soon.  The door shut and Vicky sat down on the door mat crying, she knew it was for the best, but she hadn't quite learnt to completely trust her judgement and feelings.  Ellen came out to see what was wrong, this was the first time Vicky had cried since she transitioned.

"What wrong honey?" Ellen asked seeing her daughter in the dark.

"I've just split up with Sebastian" she said crying and sniffling away on her own.

"Awww my baby, come in here we can talk" said Ellen with a caring look for her daughter holding her arms out.  Vicky got up and hugged her mum dearly, and they wandered off into the kitchen where it was nice and quiet, they talked things over, and by the end of the evening, the two of them had worked it out and Vicky was again smiling!

 

Her appointment with the gender psychologist was in three weeks time, in fact two days after the Fresher's Ball, the first time Vicky would have been to any club.  Vicky told her friends at college her split with Sebastian, and they did feel for her and comforted her, but this meant that Vicky and her friends could go and strut their stuff as single girls!  Vicky was having such a great time at College, the people who knew her past kept completely quiet and had decided to leave her alone and for the best part the group of friends she made (the most friends she had ever had!) didn't know a thing apart from her friend Danielle and also Chloe who turned up again in her life.  And life was so good back in return, they managed a few shopping trips for clothes and shoes, as Vicky began to discover all the things she had been previously denied, life was just so much fun, but her money wasn't in forever plentiful supply and the next thing on Vicky's agenda was finding a job.  Thankfully, Hannah worked in a local hotel and said they were looking for waitresses, so duly Vicky agreed to find out more, the pay seemed alright for a sixteen year old at three pounds an hour, and so Vicky decided to go to the interview.  Thankfully since Vicky had changed her name, all of the relevant details such as National Insurance had been changed with her new name, and so she didn't need to divulge her history to her new employer - thankfully.  And again, she was not read, she was passing so well, the only things she really wanted hormones for was softer skin, the feeling of her emotions and mind finally connected to her body, to feel right at long last.

 

"You will need the following for your uniform, which we don't supply" said the head waiter quite sternly, Vicky was no fan of hard men, it did kind of scare her a bit, but she did not let it get to her (she was after all a very sensitive girl).

"White blouse, dark grey, navy blue or black knee length skirt and either socks or tights" he said closing his book with the information on the job.

"Ok, that sounds no problem", of course Vicky not having any of the items would have to go out and buy them.  Although she did have some nice white socks with a frilly laced edge to them that she really liked for when she had to be smart, she had a long black skirt, but not a knee length one, no problem she thought, I shall go shopping, maybe with friends, maybe with mum and Emily.

"So do you want the job" the head waiter said lightening up a bit.

"If there is one" Vicky chirpily replied.

"Ok, is it alright to start this Saturday, here at 6.30pm?" he asked smiling now at the pretty girl.

"Most certainly" she said also smiling.  The head waiter got up and put his hand out, Vicky shook his hand and thanked him, she had a job; and for a mere three days time!  Hannah's mum and dad were often able to give her a lift in; and the job was hard work, the evenings during the week were easiest, but the weekends were manic.  She also had to learn silver service and actually quite enjoyed her job as far as it went.

 

A few weeks passed by and Vicky's courses were going great; as was life at College; no one was interfering or messing around with her life anymore, she could study in the library and not get heckled for it, and she could sit in the canteen having a gossip and giggle with her friends, and she seemed to be forever bumping into people she knew now, who'd say "Hi!" as Vicky passed by who always smiled sweetly and greeted them back, and this just wasn't other girl friends but some boys she had taken a real fancy too.  But no problem, the Fresher's Ball was very close, in fact - that evening!  And that meant two days to her long awaited appointment with Dr. Russell Reid.  Vicky had bought some very nice new clothes, Ellen was always everyday finding out what it was like to have daughters around the house, and always posed caution when she saw some of Vicky's new clothes, never anything untasteful, but Vicky did like colourful clothes (her favourite colours being pink, baby blue and all shades of purple, oh and definitely yellow!) and obviously, Ellen and Chris were still getting used to the idea of her wearing dresses and skirts, the novelty was wearing off really.  It wasn't so much seeing her in a dress for example, but actually seeing her so well looked after (by herself), with attention and care taken on herself, she did really look so much like her sister, but if it was to stay that way, she would need the hormones soon...

 

That night Vicky was invited over a friend's house with some others so they could all get ready together, this however posed a problem for Vicky, for obvious reasons, that all but two of those invited over (including Vicky there were six girls invited to her friend Lucy's house) did not know anything of her history.  Vicky decided that being as she found the essential wardrobe item the other week, a small black dress she would wear that with her nice black evening shoes and wear some jewellery, something she never wore much of except earrings.  So when over there and the girls began to get changed, poor Vicky had to dash off to the bathroom with a lame excuse (she said she needed a mirror, Lucy pointed to one but Vicky dashed off to the bathroom instead!) and came back having put her dress on and tucked below back into good place (fast becoming the bane of her life) and returned, and said she didn't hear Lucy, but no one was suspicious, not least that this pretty and feminine girl was anything but that.  That in a way proved her conviction of her gender in other people's eyes, when she was at school, she was always questioned over her gender with the insults she received, but now with no false pretence nobody looked on and started to 'ponder' as it were.  But still, not to worry about that, she got dressed, and sat down at the dresser and put on some makeup, thankfully her facial hair didn't show through until perhaps two days after shaving so she had no worries about being spotted having facial hair as she was staying over at Lucy's house.  She so badly wanted to start facial hair removal or at least start hormones to prevent further growth of new patches.  She applied her makeup in the usual fashion, a very pretty purple eye shadow, lots of black eyeliner as it was her night out, some pretty dusk pink blusher and some lipstick to finish off, oh, but not quite, mustn't forget mascara!  Vicky was very lucky with her eyes, she had big baby-like eyes, glowing and round, with long eyelashes; much to the envy of most girl's she met!  Finally slipping on her shoes, and picking up her black handbag, she was ready as were most of the other girls except Hannah who had arrived a bit later than everyone else.  Eventually they were all ready, and any boys they met this night were going to very lucky indeed.  The troupe of six girls left the house, arm in arm in pairs to the coach pickup point, which was about a fifteen minute walk, thankfully it was a warm evening for the time of year, late Autumn.

 

Eventually the arrived at the ball, six stunners alert, boys - watch out!  And the lads there, well dressed a lot of them, except those wearing shirts that look like their mother's curtains and a worn-out pair of jeans!  Still they were guys, leave them be.  As with most things at college, when they say "Fresher's Ball" what it meant was a night out in a local nightclub, a dingy bass bin, the proper ball with big band, and guys in black suits and the girls in pretty dresses, strawberries and the summer sun was at the end of the Summer Term, still they were here and going to enjoy themselves.  It was no coincidence that when they got in, the age limit[4] for alcohol consumption was completely flaunted by the establishment and sixteen and seventeen year olds were there, drinking heavily, Vicky knew her limits though and she hated the effect of alcohol, and she knew she was better of self inhibited, after all, she was in a dangerous stage, if any lad began to take advantage of her and realise the truth about certain parts of her, that could be a very difficult situation to get out of.  So instead she just opted for a glass of wine and then after that soft drinks.  And living now properly in her female role, this was not something she would get flack for, sure the other girls would try and get her to have another drink, but they didn't heckle her for it, which was the main thing.  After all squeezing onto a nearby sofa they sat down with their drinks and began to look around themselves, were there any good looking lads there?  Oh yes!  But then Vicky spotted something out of the corner of her eye... It was a guy she could have sworn was Alex, who she had a major crush on in primary school.  But could she be sure, she got up.

 

"Where you going?" asked Danielle laughing and drunk after two drinks!

"Err, just something I have, seen..." she said tailing off at the end.  All the girls looked at each other mouths ajar!

"I wonder who it is!" laughed Kirsty, one of Vicky's friends.

 

She wandered into the next room which was something of a "lad's area", she heard a few whistles in her direction and blushed, and being the flirt she was she often turned around and made a kissing motion with her mouth!  Still she looked around, for this guy who she was sure was Alex.  Just as she turned around giving up, she bumped right into a tall 6'2" lad, and being 5'6" herself she was staring right at his chest!  She looked up and said "Sorry" rather innocently, and then she realised, it was Alex she bumped into, she was standing right up against him!  The two took a step back laughing and saying sorry in equal measure, until Vicky calmed and managed to ask him the question she wanted to know the answer to.

 

"So you're Alex, right?" she asked.

"How do you know" he said looking to make sure he wasn't wearing his work name badge.  He didn't snap but was rather curious.

"I used to be at school with you..." it then dawned on her that Alex would not remember her or at best remember a 'boy' who looked very much like her.  "I'm Vicky, you were at primary school with me for a year back in 1992!"

Alex stood there thinking and then it dawned on him who she was, but not in a bad way, all his memory could remember was someone with long hair who he used to sit next to, he couldn't remember the name, and his level of alcohol consumption (pint after pint of beer consumption!) didn't help either.

"Vicky, that's it, I remember, I sat next to you didn't I?" he said smiling, unknown to Vicky, Alex did actually begin to fancy Vicky!

"Yeah, that's right, you live here now?" she asked still smiling and standing closer to Alex.

"Well, mum and dad split and we've moved back here" he said a little down hearted.

"Oh, I'm real sorry honey, I didn't meant to..." she said apologising, Alex nodded and said to her

"It's alright, hey look, would you like a drink" Alex asked.  Vicky began to smile broadly, she accepted the offer.

"That's very kind of you" she smiled.

"Don't worry, my treat" he said back.

 

The pair went off upstairs where it was quieter and more room to sit down, as she walked with Alex to the archway which led to the stairs she saw her girls on the sofa, all she did was smile broadly as she followed Alex, and all three of the girls jaws dropped wide open again.

 

"She is so lucky that one!" joked Lucy

"Yeah.... how does she do it!" followed on Kirsty also laughing.

 

They sat upstairs where few people were, most were downstairs eyeing up the dance floor which was by now filling up.  The pair sat close enough together on one of the sofa's the club had and began chatting away again about past times, what has been up.  This would on the face of it be torturous for Vicky, but she never viewed herself as a school-boy, but a school-girl, so her history in basic terms needed no fabrication, she just retold the happy times she had and that was more than fine.  Vicky was more than happy to see Alex, and Alex seemed to be the same, Vicky just happened (as girls do!) to look down in between his legs, for a quick glance, she had after all accepted Alex's offer of another drink, and she had not stuck to lemonade but, again, white wine by the glass,  Now being on her third she was definitely sticking to lemonade after that.  She looked very quickly only to see... well Alex was eveidently pleased to see her, she felt this sudden rush to her heart, and feeling somewhat tipsy with the effects of the drink, put her glass down, and stopped Alex mid motion of his sentence, put her finger on his lip and gave him a kiss.  Silence... Vicky then realised that was probably a mistake, but she still had a real thing for him, and he had grown up into something of a real handsome guy!

 

"I'm sorry" she said flinching, ready to go and cry in the ladies.  There was a pause.

"Don't worry..." said Alex surprised still "...look, don't worry, and come here you" he laughed as he pulled Vicky in to cuddle her...  Vicky giggled somewhat as Alex held her close, she felt so warm all over, she kept her legs crossed like any good girl though and the two stayed with each other all night, and Vicky even managed to show him some dance floor prowess!  She couldn't believe it, this guy she had a major crush on, was here, her in his arms and dancing away together... she just could not believe it.

 

The night drew to a close and Alex and Vicky stood outside the nightclub with Alex's lads just beyond them and Vicky's girls just by the bench eating something they had all bought from a fast food restaurant.  It was 2am by this time!

 

"So, what did you think of tonight" asked Alex, as he held Vicky with both hands on her bum!  Which she did like a lot, just the warmth his body was providing!

"It was..." she paused "...perfect" she said sweetly.

"How can it be, with me" Alex joked.

"It's because of you it is honey" said Vicky looking up at him.  See if Vicky had been tall, and granted Alex was very tall, it wouldn't been quite the same, i.e.: looking down to Alex!  Alex smiled and the two kissed intimately again.

 

Eventually Alex's lads were ready to go and started calling him

 

"Hey lover boy, we're off, you coming?" one of his mate's shouted over.  Alex turned around and said

"Hey just wait, one minute" he turned back to Vicky and held her tight and furthered "So do you want to meet soon" he said.

"Yes!" Vicky said perhaps a bit to overly eager "that would be lovely" she continued in a more controlled manner.

"Ok, well... what's your number?" he asked.  Vicky wrote her home number down for him.

"There you go, I don't have a mobile so that's my home number" she said smiling sweetly and affectionately.

"Ok, I'll give you a call tomorrow evening?" Alex again enquired.

"Yeah, that's fine, are you in college tomorrow" Vicky asked, rather hoping the answer was a yes.

"I am, maybe I'll catch you there" said Alex smiling.

"I'm away on Friday, but give me a call and we can do something?" Vicky said just wanting to make sure Alex really was interest.

"Sure will!" he exclaimed.

 

The two hugged again and kissed, a lot, and parted ways, Vicky turned around beaming with her girls calling her over for all the gossip, and Alex's boys were loudly shouting about "How did you get HER!?" they exclaimed.  Vicky ran through all the gossip and by the time she had finished the girl's were back at Lucy's house and in the room in sleeping bags most of them with Lucy in her bed.  Everyone said goodnight and Vicky lay there looking out of the skylight (since Lucy's room was in the attic), just looking at the twinkling stars again and she began to drift off feeling so warm and good about herself, just the feeling that a guy she really liked was actually quite possibly now with her.  Her toes twitched in excitement over this thought and she placed both hands on her heart and sighed with happiness just thinking "I'm so glad I am a girl!"...  She slowly drifted off to sleep, into a land of tranquillity and happiness, almost what her life really was like by now...

 

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Chapter Ten

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Footnotes:

[1] : In the UK, once the 16 year old exams are taken (GCSEs) students often go on to do Advanced Level qualifications (A Levels) which lead often to University degree courses.  Some students go to a local college and some secondary schools (11-16) have a "6th Form" (16-18) where A Levels and other subjects are done.

[2] : Dr. Russell Reid is in real life a gender psychiatrist in London, UK who works privately.

[3] : Primary school is from ages 4 to 11 in the UK and is sometimes split into infant school (4-7) to junior school (7-11)

[4] : In the UK the age restriction for alcohol consumption is 18+


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