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Transitioning early in life: Carol's experiences
PART 1: INTRODUCTION If I were you, I would want to know why are you coming forth at all now? The
answer is I'm very sick with hepatitis C and for the first time, being alone
is worrying me. So I will start out with the "being alone" aspect. BEING ALONE This is different from being lonely, yet both can and often do overlap. Anyone
like me has a past that is NOT the same as ordinary girls. It was necessary
for me to reconstruct my past. For anyone past probably 25 to do this is almost
impossible. There are lived experience that will give you away. Some of these
are: working in a different gender, being involved with someone in a different
gender, and worst of all, being married with children in a different gender.
I'm not saying these groups should not change, but to try to be "as if"
you were always, is not being realistic. My situation was one of having mainly gender neutral experiences. I went to
school, then to college, then to graduate school. I studied the very issue that
consumed me. This was many years ago, so some professors thought I was maladjusted,
while others thought I was well balanced, but fine. The point where these professors
lost confidence in me was when they came to realize that I planned to have my
records changed, the name was already changed, then to dissociate myself completely
with my education. At this point I was 19 and too old to actually stop me from making and following
my decisions. I had the surgery at 20, graduated at 21 and moved away from my
home state to what I considered a backward state and took a job in a daycare
center. BACKGROUND AND FAMILY My parents were quite average for solid middle to upper middle-class people.
My father had a professional career and my mother stayed home raising me and
my siblings. As a child, I was small for my age with a delicate disposition.
I was a quiet child, did well in school, usually had a few friends, both sexes,
never played sports, but usually was not called a sissy. I found that those
who wanted group recognition were most vulnerable to being picked on, and I
was just not all that visible. I think this learning to be unseen is partly
what makes being deep stealth (as you call it) possible. I first began to notice I was different when I was very young, but this part of the story many others have told. Where I differ was that I came out with it early. I wore as opposite sex looking clothes as I could get away with and wore some makeup. My parents had me seeing a counselor, other kids mocked me, but took little pleasure in tormenting me, as it seems that bullies like a challenge, I presented none. I had just two girls that talked to me at all in high school, both of these students were the academic type, and seen as weird themselves. So I would say I belonged to the most weirdo group, but it really did not bother me. DRAWING SOME CONCLUSIONS
PART 2: PERSONALITY AND PASSING THE DEEP STEALTH PERSONALITY Let's clarify some terms first. Let's say stealth is living where your neighbors
and community don't know, but you have friends that you maintain contact with
that do. Deep stealth is when you drop all the past, rather erase it. You begin completely
new, like you landed on this planet full grown, with no real past. Since everyone has to have a past, you must make one up, but how? First rule
is don't make up anything too interesting, for if you do, people will talk about
this made up past of yours. For example, if I had said that I was a Ph.D. student
that dropped out of school and my parents disowned me, people would think, '
she must be really smart, or a liar, she must have some mean parents'. You want
people not to think anything. So be like the goat herder, not the prince, like
in the film Coming to America. How was he seen as different? His language,
his thoughts! So I made up something very simple: I was a foster child and didn't care for
my foster parents. I would never mention what town unless pressed for it. I
picked a small city far away from where I lived. I said my foster parents had
a different last name, but I used it for a while, but I did not want to talk
about it. It is amazing how little people, in general, care about what you say
and how much more they want to talk about themselves! I got a job at a daycare center; I always liked small children so the job suited
me well. I took more pleasure in beginning to have female friends that saw me
as just an average ordinary young woman. I began my second education, learning
about totally being in the world I was in. Things that before, I never knew
women talked about, the way and manner of communication. I took it all in and
soon I could speak about things without error. PASSING Most people have the wrong idea about passing. They see it as a hardware problem
mainly. It is true, that you have to have a certain constitution, being small
is very important, having little hands and feet, a soft body and not much muscle.
Hips can be accommodated for, but it is necessary and you are lucky if your
hips are wide and your waist small. Perhaps equally important are your interests and attitude. If you can't honestly
say you like the things most women like, you are climbing up a steep hill! Makeup
and clothes are not the topics that interest average women, so if this is your
interest, then consider that the women who like these things also are usually
more accepting of human differences related to sex and gender. Why? The answer
is that family is the main interest of women: family, relationships, friends,
work associates; women live in a world of social interconnectedness! To become
part of this world of women, you must be able to seem malleable, you must not
be dogmatic and too righteous. If you don't fit into this world, you are more
likely to be seen as different, this is how you get seen with suspicion. You also must have an attitude about yourself that does not intrude on others
unless others intrude on you. This attitude is what makes you be able to say,
"Oh, I don't pay attention to those silly things," when the topic
runs to a talk show where the "girlfriend was really a guy"! Women
do talk about these things and I found it best to come across as someone that
hadn't a clue about it and was just not interested. MOTIVATION I would like to discuss briefly my reasons for going through the change. I
never bought into the idea that I was born in the wrong body, that the soul
is of a gender that is different from the body it inhabits. Rather, I believe,
although I have been involved in the church for many years that the soul is
probably real, but I'm not thoroughly convinced of this; I certainly do not
believe that the soul has a specific gender. My personal belief is that since
I had been a very young child, I saw that everything about me fit into being
a female. I believe the most difficult years for me, were between the ages of
three and seven; after this, I became identified as a straight A student, or
what is commonly called a nerd. This identity allowed me to be free of constant
bulyling. I believe that my motivation was mainly that I preferred what was considered
to be feminine. It seemed to me that being other than a female was some kind
of cosmic joke. I came up with a very simple theory based on Eastern philosophy
of Yin and Yang. All that is perception is the Yin and all that is action is
Yang. Therefore, reading, looking, thinking, watching, listening, as well as
the activities of writing, painting, drawing from imagination and learning were
the Yin. There is also some balance between these two poles; therefore, these
activities are Yang but in essence, Yin. From this, it is easy to see how I
was able to see myself as the good student, to be the compensation for my social
ineptness. For me, Yang activities would be anything which causes sensation,
such as running, jumping, playing sports, driving fast, or anything else that
creates a sense of sensation rather than contemplation. I am not advocating that females fit into one category and males into another;
rather I'm asserting that, taken as a whole, males fit more towards the Yang
while women worked words the Yin. I have always been a passive person that prefers
non-excitement. There are many females, were the opposite is the case. The point
that I am making is that it seems that my extreme position met with difficulty
being anything other than female. Therefore, one can assert that my desire was
based more on relationships with others than on a deep-seated need to be a certain
gender to manifest my true identity. For me, identity cannot be separate from one's relationships with others. Being
in the world constitutes being with others; therefore, I've found that in order
to satisfy my need to be with others, I needed to be female. If you observe carefully, you will notice that my need is also based on being a type of individual who is female, not just being female. Therefore, for me, I found it necessary to be as much of an ordinary everyday person as female, possible. This is my motivation for being who I am, a female, nothing more and nothing less.
PART 3: SOCIAL ISSUES SOCIAL STARTS The job at the daycare center was a big help towards making friends and being
part of a community, but attending church was perhaps even more important. Women
seem to network big time from their church, yet they seem to have no problem
yielding to men. I can't say that I ever totally accepted this, but I did keep
quiet. Now, you might be thinking that this lifestyle is taking things too far, but
let me tell you, no person is going to think a woman well integrated into the
community and is part of their church, as someone that had a radical change,
other than being reborn, which, I was! It is this power foundation that makes being outdone impossible! If some person
came up to me and said "you are a T" I could have said, "you
must really be lost, you need to deepen your relationship with the Lord." I will say more on this issue of people's suspicions later. Let me just say
that I was never bothered by this at all until I was over 45.
THE COSMOPOLITAN GIRL If your desire about being female is the glamour and the attention, which it
may provide, then you might have trouble if you also want a life free from detection.
First of all, most women past the age of 25 are not interested in this, unless
they aspire to be models or actresses. Women who wear flashy, or trendy styles
are likely to receive notice. One of the easiest ways to become questionable
to others is to be a person who is easily singled out. Women pay particular
attention to other women who are well dressed and wear lots of cosmetics. There's
nothing wrong with this attention, however, if such attention has one wondering
about why you're so tall, or your voice is so unusual, then people begin to
wonder about you. They may not guess that you have had some type of change,
but they will remember you, yet they do not know you. This type of situation
creates gossip, and I know from personal experience that women love to gossip.
It only takes one person to suggest that the lady in question may have gone
through the change to have this idea well planted in their minds before they
ever have a personal encounter with you. When this situation prevails, people usually notice things that reinforced
their preconceived notion about who you are. Whereas, if they have no preconceived
notion, they would not become aware of these telltale signs. In today's society,
even a tall well-dressed woman is sometimes suspected of having gone through
the change. When this is not based in reality, then the problem is much more
easy to refute. I see nothing wrong with someone who is naturally attractive, wanting to bring
these features out, to draw attention to themselves and to attempt to make impact
on others. However, if you want to be unchallenged about your gender identity,
then it is much easier to present yourself in as much a natural way as possible.
Begin by looking around you; see what everyday women wear, then try to fit in. If what I am saying here you find undesirable, then you may want to consider
carefully whether or not you want to live a life of complete anonymity regarding
your gender issues. If you are more attractive and find it easy to look the
part of a high fashion model then by all means do so, but keep in mind that
in today's world, high fashion models are often suspected of having changed
gender. If you're attracted to big city life and a sophisticated environment,
then you must also realize that these are also the people who will be most aware
and therefore most likely to suspect you of being someone who changed sex. There are many choices between the one I made and ones that some persons mak,e being completely open about their change. I will discuss these possibilities, although I do not have much firsthand experience about the lives of such individuals.
GOING SOLO The most difficult part for me was moving away from my family and past friends.
Although I had few friends, those who I did have were very nice to me. My belief
was that as long as anyone knew that I was other than being a normal female,
I would never really be a normal female. I believe that nobody could really
see a person as fully in a given gende, which was not originally the gender
that they were perceived as being part of. During my stages of transition, my father passed away. My mother, who had always
known that I was feminine, like many parents, found it particularly difficult
to accept my becoming female. At first, she would try to suggest that I try
to adjust to being a homosexual. I made it very clear to her that if I had a
choice between being a female, who could never have sex for any intimate relationship,
or being a homosexual, who had the most handsome and masculine of lovers, I
would pick being a female without hesitation. For me, sexuality was not ever much of the issue. I'm not saying that it is
wrong for someone to be motivated by sexuality, I'm just stating that for me
sex was never really very important. Mainly what I wanted was to be part of
a family and be a mother. So the most difficult part for me was parting from my own mother. I had told
her that it would be impossible for her to really believe that I was a natural
female and to consider me her daughter. I had further argued that our relationship
would hinder my development as a total woman. At first, she did not believe
that I was really going to move away permanently and not see her anymore. It
was not until I had moved miles away and would not give her my address that
she became really aware that my intentions were to never see her again. I had
asked her if there was any possible inheritance I might receive in the future,
or did my actions terminate any possible inheritance. After some time, she consented
to give me what she said would be less than what I would probably have received
as an inheritance, but that was all the she would be able to allow me under
the circumstances. I expressed my gratitude and promised to use the money wisely.
This is the last time I ever communicated with her. With regard to my siblings, things were a bit easier. I was never very close
to my younger brother and my being so feminine had a negative impact in his
reputation during high school. When I moved away, I informed him of my plans
and he seemed to react as if he thought it was something silly and not very
realistic. I also informed my friends of my decision. They were bit more understanding,
as they knew that I had reason to start a life over again. What puzzled them
more than anything else was that I was unwilling to have periodic casual contact
with them. At the time I believe that they just did not understand completely
the need to separate myself from past which was never really me. When I first moved away, it was like I was from another planet. I did not know
anybody and I had no real point of reference. I moved into a small apartment
and began looking for work. I came across the day-care center that had an entry-level
position; I took the job and continued to work there for several years. My life
was very lonely at first, but over time I developed some friendships with my
coworkers and became involved in a church that two of my coworkers attended. My life was different from anything I had ever experienced before. It was much
more than just the gender difference, it was a complete change in social environment.
I had begun to learn more about being female than I had ever imagined possible.
After about two years, I noticed that I was always female in my dreams. I had
begun to forget about my past, never talking about it and keeping what I did
reveal about myself as simple as possible. A learned one important thing, if
you need to lie, keep it as simple as possible and try to make yourself believe
it. This way, you're not likely to forget some obscure detail, which will make
you suspect. The less you say, the less you need to worry about keeping hidden. When I did eventually meet a man, he already knew about me from my work in
my involvement with the church, so was not very difficult to explain any details
about my life. Actually, I was more attractive to him because he had two step
children, who I wanted to be a mother to. This never really worked out and once
it was clear to me that this was not possible, I reevaluated my relationship
with this man and decided to end the relationship. Several years later, I met my husband. Like the relationship before him, he never knew anything about my now distant past. He was content knowing about me as a person and what I was doing with my life and had done with my life over the past several years. I had returned to college as if I had never gone before and had received a certificate as a day-care worker so that I could be promoted to assistant manager of the center. This job I found completely satisfactory and my relationship with my husband was very good. This was probably the best part of my life. CONSIDERATIONS FOR DEEP STEALTH
THE "AS IF" PERSONALITY The "as if" personality is one which some psychiatrists have pointed
out as a pathology related to identity disturbance. Such individuals are prone
to adopting mannerisms, manner of speech and behavior patterns of individuals
whom they admire. If it is your decision to live completely incognito, with respect to your past
before you went through the change, it is necessary to develop the fictional
past. In order to do this effectively, one must keep in mind that the more detailed
your past, the more likely you are to forget important issues others might later
question you about. The goal should be not to draw attention to a part of your
life that you wish to leave behind. In some cases it is best to stick as close
as possible to your real past and illuminate gender-neutral activities. By focusing
on issues that do not involve being male or female, you allow yourself the freedom
of expression unhindered by gender determinants. In some cases it is necessary to fictionalize your entire past. In such cases,
the same rule applies, keep it as simple as possible, avoid dramatizing details
of life experiences. It is usually unnecessary to fictionalize every detail
of your past history; if you find yourself desiring this, you may be having
problems with personal identity issues, which are more likely than not to hinder
your success and blending into society. In most cases, is best to keep some basic elements of your past as correct
as possible. For example, if you are raised a middle-class family it is best
not to say they you're a product of a broken home. Conversely, if your childhood
was less than satisfactory, it would be a mistake to try to make up a perfect
family story. An important issue to bear in mind is what relationship you intend
to have with your family, if any at all. If your decision is that your family
will remain your life, it is important to evaluate what effect this relationship
will have on your personal identity. Your family will never see you as a child
born into the sex that you are presently, therefore, there will always be that
presence of doubt you must contend with. On the other hand, divorcing yourself
from your family will mean a great personal loss that time will only mildly
alleviate. Whichever plan of action you take, the most important thing to keep in mind
is to keep your history simple. Focus on general concepts rather than details;
try to come across as if your past is uneventful and rather boring. Rehearse
privately what you plan to tell others about yourself so that when you do inform
others you come across natural, as if you actually own your history. The worst
thing is to come across anxious or apprehensive about being asked simple questions
about your childhood. Keep in mind the concept of the "as if" personality, as you can see from reading this, it is impossible to avoid it completely. If you find yourself drafting a complex intricate and an intriguing past history, you're likely to be attempting to become someone other than yourself. This is not the goal for successful future living; rather you should seek to eliminate the discrepancies between the person you are now and the person of your past. Keep in mind that the primary goal is to come across as normal is possible THE ISSUE OF FAMILY One of the most difficult issues to contend with is what to do with regard
to your family. Much of your decision-making will be based on how your family
feels about you. Also, it will be based on the integrity of your family. If
your family is highly dysfunctional, or disintegrated, then it is much easier
to divorce yourself from all family ties. If your family is unaccepting of your
decision to change, then it is also easier to leave your family permanently.
The most difficult decision will be when your family is attempting to come to
terms with your issue. It is important to keep in mind that it is only natural
for your family to assume that their adjustment is for your benefit, rather
than their own. This is not necessarily the case; however, this is usually how
other family members perceive this issue. Your family will never see you as a child born into the sex that you are presently!
The only possible exception to this would be if you were and intersexed child,
or for some medical reason were reassigned during childhood. It is impossible
for one's mother to see their child as being other than what was presented to
them in the delivery room. So, no matter how much your family is willing to
support you in your decision, you will not be free from accidental opposite
gender references, or old events brought forward which are essentially gender
specific. At best, a family willing to go along with your change and to support
this change in your future life is the most that you can expect from family
members. Your other choice is to dissociate yourself from her family completely. The
major advantage to this is that you have the option to begin life as if you
were born fully grown without a past and only the future to look forward to.
Making this decision is very difficult if you have any positive relationship
with any family members. As I have stated previously, it is natural for family
members to feel that it is they who are accommodating themselves for your benefit;
therefore, when you informed them of your decision to abandon them for a better
sense of self identity, their reaction is going to be less than amiable. This
action in itself may cause serious damage to your relationship with your family,
preventing you from having option to change your mind later on. For my personal experience I can say with all certainty that besides the initial
hurt from rejection, the time that passes between your last contact with your
family decreases your chances of ever being part of that family again. You have
to take into consideration so many important issues, such as your ability to
survive without family support, the possibility that you'll become ill or injured
and perhaps worst of all, and the event of a future of loneliness. This very
personal decision was for me, the most difficult. I feel that I have been blessed
with friendships and marriage; however, presently I am faced with loneliness
and isolation, compounded by illness. It would be really nice to have fairly
members to turn to that this point. However, I feel it is important for me to
keep in mind that I have had most of my life on my own terms, never having to
compensate for the social disability and stigma of being someone different in
such a basic way as integrity of one's gender. I've had the opportunity to live
totally as a natural woman with one major drawback that, unfortunately, I share
with many other women and that is the inability to have my own child. Personally, if I were to re-evaluate my decision, I would place more weight on the reality that would not be able to bear children. If I had my own grown children today, I think things would be much better. I have always felt that the greatest disadvantage for me, going through this change was that I would never be able to have children. I hope someday that this problem can be solved; I think it is the most important issue and the least often addressed. CONSIDERATIONS FOR DEEP STEALTH REVISTIED 1. A strong need to be considered a totally normal female
2. Wanting to be ordinary
3. Not motivated by sex, sex is secondary
4. Having a plain, but feminine look
5. Having real female interests are most supporting
6. Passive lifestyle
7. Have a job that reinforces your role as an average woman
8. Needing to be seen as interesting works against you
9. Settle for what is attainable
10. Need to be in relationships, not the leader
11. Say as little as possible about your past, make it dull
12. Use your new past as your identity
13. Being able to be alone
14. Live in a more conservative small city or town
15. Being able to play a minor role in a women's friendship circle is necessary
16. Being a talker is a drawback
17 Not caring about aggressive activities
18. Letting on that you know something about gender issues is dangerous
19. Be able to completely leave anyone from the past, even a parent
Please keep in mind these points are only backed by my single experience and are by no means the Bible on deep stealth. I'm sure others have had the same degree of success in this area and naturally did it differently. All I can say is this is one way that works. PART 4: PSYCHOLOGY AND THEORETICAL ISSUES ISSUES OF PSYCHOPATHOLOGY While the subject of family issues is the most painful for me to discuss, the
issues of psychopathology are the most difficult. For it is true, that anyone
who diagnoses herself has a fool for a physician. Back in the late 1960s, when I was going through my evaluations, I was considered
by the late Robert Stoller to be a" classic case." By the late 1980s,
other experts and researchers began to point out a more serious pathology among
these classic cases. Today, you have many more options than were available someone
30 years ago. Back in those days, a person was both straight and normal or some
type of sexual deviate, there was no understanding for anyone with any issues
related to sex and gender, with the exception of the small highly educated minority,
located in major cities. Even among these people, there is not a chance to be
accepted as a normal person with a well-integrated sense of gender. For me, there was but one rational solution; I would go through the medical
and psychological processes of change and then re-enter the world is a complete
human being without history of sexual, or gender abnormality. The important
point to examine here it is that I had internalized much of the controversy
surrounding this issue and further, viewed it through a darkened lens. What
the medical communities saw as a controversial treatment for some extreme cases
of gender dysphoria, I saw it as a stigma of abnormality and applied this to
my own case. Therefore, my motivation for living my life completely free from
my past was motivated partly by my desire to conceal my own self-disgust. There
was no place in my mind for self-tolerance, only for enabling myself to become
as free as possible from my own self-loathing. In essence, I'm saying that I never dealt completely with the issues of self-disapproval;
rather I created a more acceptable self. I do not see my actions as extremely
pathological, or in any way, totally negative, rather are would say that I'm
aware that the path I had chosen carried with it, its own psychological baggage.
I held onto too much negative thinking about my own past predicament, blaming
myself for having been born with such defects. Having no one to confide in about
important personal issues, I was never able to fully learn to understand and
accept myself wholly. Secondly, when one harbors deep secrets that have played a major role in the
direction of their life, it becomes impossible to fully bond with anyone. For
what more important feeling of alarm and confusion could I desire to cry out
about more than what I had to go through and how desperate I am to be heard.
Yet the life I had chosen for myself did not allow me to as much as speak of
this matter! For in doing so, would be to betray my motivation which was acceptance,
not for myself, but for the self that I wanted to be, a normal person free of
pathology. When this desire reaches this point, it itself becomes a pathological obsessive
need, to become some abstract idealized image normality. What had given me strength
was my ability to blend in well with other women and to find acceptance amongst
women. This acceptance also made for a better likelihood for meeting nice men.
I was fortunate enough to meet such a man and enjoy living as his wife. Yet
even within this relationship, there was a major part or me, which felt pain
that was not permitted expression. This situation fostered a deep sense of well-repressed feelings of inferiority.
These feelings were further manifested by my willingness to accept many things
in life that I would have otherwise rebelled against. I traded much of my personality
for anonymity; this disallowed me to develop my full potential and fostering
me to become more privy to developing an avoidant personality disorder. Not
a severe crippling case as often depicted in the literature, but nevertheless
a fear of not being accepted and a tendency to blame myself for anything that
went wrong. Most all adults have some pathological issues they contend with. For me, it
has been mainly the fear of being judged poorly, not so much discovered as being
different with respect to gender, but being inept as a human being. TAKEN FROM WEB PAGES
My response: Can I not also assert that some women are born with these innate proclivities,
but they do not physically look like women?
My response: Here is a good example of what you are saying about the vocal representatives.
Something to consider about deep stealth: I believe it is essentially conservative,
not suited at all for someone that embraces a strong vocal feminist philosophy.
I'm not saying that one has to live as the subservient little housewife, but
there is an extreme gulf between that position and the stance of feminist philosophy!
I would say, the more one needs to be vocal about gender rights for woman, the
harder is for deep stealth. Check out the next feminist position, as it is actually
well integrated with what I have been saying. I'm one of them! PART 5: CONCLUSION THE TOP FIVE CRITERIA My thinking right now would be these top five and in this order. It might be
surprising to know, but desiring to be ordinary really is more important that
wanting to be considered totally female, as being female is a state of mind,
being ordinary is a social construct that is defined by others. Such persons
like myself are essentially conservative and field dependent. Anyone who doesn't
accept this is fooling themselves!
Send me your thoughts, links, and advice! If you transitioned in your teens or twenties and have any advice you'd like to share, please contact me , and I'll give it a permanent (and anonymous) home. |
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